Don't Tell Me To Stop
by Shippo704
Summary: This is a story about cutting, for anyone out there who wants to read. Some of Rin's feelings a month or so after the camping trip arc. First chapter was originally a one-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Tell Me To Stop**

_This story is for anyone out there who's felt this way, or understands what I'm about to show you._

* * *

I know it's wrong. I know what the general public thinks about these actions. I am perfectly aware of what I am doing, and how it affects my mental and physical health. I understand that it is affected by both my mental and physical health as well. I'm not stupid, or at least not as stupid as everyone thinks. Not in this area. Not about me. I know I must look happy, but that's only because I have practice. A lot of practice. Probably far too much practice.

It's not very hard to make people see what you want them to see. Just put on a smile and see what happens. People assume that you're happy, that you're okay, and a smile is an easy easy manipulation tool. If people see a smile, they tend to want to accept what you are saying and what you are showing. Just put on a smile and no one will question why your sleeves are pulled up over your hands, why your eyes look a little tired, why your clothes seem to hang off of you. It doesn't matter to them because you're smiling, and that means that you're okay. They don't need to worry about anything. They don't have to look past this mask. This lie that you've created to keep them unaware and content, hiding from the truth. After all, the truth is the hardest thing to face.

The truth about me? What do you want to know? I don't really smile anymore. I don't have to. My 'friends' don't care. They don't pay attention to me anymore. It doesn't matter if I keep up this facade, because there is no one to keep it up for. No one looks at me, no one sees me, everyone ignores me. I don't need to smile and pretend that it's all okay, because whether or not I'm alright does not cross the minds of anyone around me. I am alone.

Well, maybe that's not completely true. Yukio watches out for me. I smile for him. After all, Yukio is my little brother. Until the day I die, I will make Yukio happy. I will at least do my best. My best usually isn't good enough, after all, I am the underachieving twin while he is the twin that burns bright with his own light. Yukio is an amazing person. He is a great exorcist, he is smart, and he has always been better than me in anything and everything we've tried. School, games, friends, crushes... He has totally captured Shiemi's heart, it was his before I'd even met her. Now I don't even have a chance, I'm Satan's son and she must hate me. After all, she's terrified just to be within sight of me. There isn't anything I can do to change that. The flames of Satan are a part of me, and the part that will probably take over and eventually destroy me. But that's for the future to decide. For the present, I've taken up an old habit of mine, one I thought I'd long since broken.

I thought that I could survive without it because I had had friends who had supported me. Maybe for the time, I was right. While they were there, I didn't need it. Now that they're gone, it's just me and my toys. My toys are my friends.

_I know, I know you've been locked out of sight_

_All these years like me_

_My friend..._

_Will I've com home to find you waiting home,_

_And we're together!_

_And we'll do wonders._

_Won't we? You there, my friend?_

My friends are very diverse. Firstly, I have my oldest and longest friend. A pointy rock with a jagged edge. It's dulled over the years, but it's still my faithful friend. My second friend is one of dad's old razors. He didn't shave too often, and this one snapped before it got too dull, creating another sharp edge. Dad didn't notice when I'd nicked it from the counter top in his bathroom when he was dressing my wounds one day. I have also collected a couple of pieces of broken glass and sharp plastic. I have on little orange piece of plastic that is very special indeed. It's from the broken ink cartridge of an old type writer. It snapped off when the cartridge was being removed. I just swiped it from the ground.

These are just toys that I've kept for a long while. Knives work too, but they're harder to use since many people wander around the kitchen all the time. And always at the wrong time. Just because I cook doesn't mean that I can walk around unnoticed carrying a large sharp blade. It doesn't really matter though. Knives are too obvious, and someone might catch on.

I don't really feel one way or another about being a cutter. It's just something that I am. Like I am a boy, like I have black hair, like I am Satan's son. Well, I kind of hate myself for that last one, but it's not my fault and no one seems to understand that. Cutting? Well, I guess it is my fault since I was the one who thought it up in the first place. I can't say that someone else had forced my to injure myself. This is my own idea and my own doing. I think I kind of enjoy it, just a little, but as for the act itself, I don't really feel anything about it, one way or the other. It's just something that I do.

However, I am not unaware of the general opinions regarding this act. No, I am not suicidal, or at least, cutting does not make me suicidal. In fact, I think it prevents it. It's a good think in my mind. Anyone who thinks that it is fatal, sure it is, if you're suicidal and know what you're doing or if you're just stupid. Yes, I could bleed to death, but that would be incredibly difficult for two reasons. One, I'm half demon. I don't think I could lose blood that fast. Two, I cut horizontally, not vertically. Like I said, I'm not as stupid as they all make me out to be. I may not be book smart, but I at least have common sense.

I am aware that many consider the act of cutting horrific, but it's my body, and since when does anyone care about what I do anyways. It's not like they even look at me anymore unless they have to. The way I see it, they're just trying to meld with the crowd. Self injury isn't particularly harmful, people are just far too dramatic. For example, if someone falls off a bike and gets a nice scratch on his or her arm, people would just patch it up and tell them that they'll have a nice scar to brag about. They'd better make up a cool story. But if the injury is self inflicted, it suddenly becomes that much worse, you are a terrible person, you should be ashamed, you're sick, get help, stop it, you'll kill yourself, you could have almost died this time. No. That's wrong. That is all wrong. There is no difference in injury, only in the situation. There is absolutely no difference in lethality.

But maybe they are right on one account. Maybe I am sick and should get help. I probably should stop it. But I don't want to. I'm not really ashamed of what I do, but I don't think that it's anyone else's business. Maybe if they'd understand...

They won't. They don't understand that I am not Satan and that I didn't choose to be born with these demonic flames that I've known about for only three months. They will definitely not understand something that is my fault. And this is where I start to feel ashamed. Because there is one other person I know. Yukio. He understands that these flames are not my fault. But he won't understand this. He thinks I'm stronger than this. Cheerful Rin Okumura, always smiling and doing his best to brighten everyone's day when all he can really do is betray everyone that he cares about because he's a demon. Not even a trace of human. Just demon. Satan's son, and that's all. Just me, I'm alone.

Loneliness wouldn't be too bad on it's own. With only loneliness, I can still pretend that I'm loved. But not this way. It isn't just loneliness. It's loneliness coupled with ignorance. All of the students who had once called themselves my friends ignore me and want nothing to do with me. With ignorance, I can't pretend that there is some sort of love out there for me. The opposite of love is ignorance. They are showing me that my existence doesn't gold a single morsel of worth in their lives. It is completely the opposite. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to make friends in the first place. It just goes to show what a complete fool I am.

And with that thought, I can drag my pencil across my skin. That plastic piece that always sticks off of the mechanical pencil, that piece that you use to clip the pencil to a piece of paper, I snapped it off, and it left a tiny point, a sharp bit of plastic sticking out of the body of the pencil. Rip that across my arm and watch it bleed. Not deep, not enough to scar, but enough to watch blood seep through and slowly run down my arm. A few minutes from my elbow to my fingertips. Ruby drops fall into the cream white sink.

I don't want anyone to tell me to stop what I'm doing. It's a safe way for me to vent my negative emotions, and I like it. It looks pretty and I can make whatever patterns I want. I'm a pretty shitty artist, so they never look very nice, but I can choose which way to draw the lines, and where they will cross. Maybe I shouldn't be too harsh on my arms though. Yukio might notice long sleeves in summer, but if I cut on the outside of my arms, I can probably get away with wearing t-shirts, revealing a couple of scratches that I could have gotten anywhere. I fight demons. Scratches are bound to happen. That's why I don't cut my abdomen. I've been punched through the gut too many times. Anything that doesn't look like a massive puncture wound or scar will stand out. My legs can be torn up as much as I please. Pants are acceptable at any time of the year in any heat.

And I will not stop. I like it. It helps me stay in control, rather than being the other way around. Without this control, I could go crazy at any time. This is a vent. I let it all out, I take it out on myself. This way, no one else gets hurt. It's perfect. And no one ever has to know. I'm much too careful.

I remember each scar I have and I remember how and why I have each one. Each tool, each reason, each emotion. I am a cutter through and through. I will not change. No matter how long I stay sober, I will always be drawn back. It's been quite a long time since the last time I cut, a couple of months before dad's death. I found out just how much of a failure I was in school. They didn't want me, no high schools would ever consider me, so they told me not to apply. I was also told that I would never be hired as the delinquent that I am. I just smiled and told those teachers to go to hell. It's my life and I can do whatever the hell I want with it, be whatever I want. I would be successful in something. Then I went home, I cried, and I carved a nice line from the outside of my right calf, behind my knee, and halfway up my inner right thigh. I think it's a pretty scar, and the one that represents just how much of a failure of a person I am.

But the one that I plan to make right now, it's the one that will represent just how much of a failure of a friend I am. For symbolic purposes, I had debated carving a large X over my heart, but I can't do that. That would be way too cheesy. This time I'll make the vertical cuts up my arms. I doubt I'll bleed out. I don't think that's possible, and I don't really want to die yet anyways. I just want to cut, to let it out, to hurt.

I picked up my trusty piece of glass. This one is from a shattered wine glass. One of the pieces of glassware that Mephisto left for us in this dorm, I bumped it with my arm by accident and it fell into the sink. It broke. I tossed most of the glass, but I kept this piece for my own purposes.

I held the large shard in my right hand and pressed it against my wrist, just over the thin blue line that showed me where my vein is. I may be no good at art, but I can at least follow a line with whatever instrument I use to write with. I pressed in, and dragged it up my arm.

Too shallow. I jerked it the rest of the way up. Pain, beautiful. I deserve it. It hurts for a second, then it feels nice, I hardly feel it at all. My blood drips into the sink and I smile my first real smile in a month. Even if it's hollow and ironic, it's real. It's mine. For once, I'm feeling slightly better. Just a little less stress and emotional pressure since my friends started ignoring me a month ago.

I thought I heard a soft thumping. Maybe it's just my heartbeat. After the cut, my sense become a little heightened, probably from the adrenaline. That and the dopamine released both go towards making me feel a little better.

Then some mumbling. Sounds like Yukio. I guess he's talking to himself, trying to make the lessons easier for me to understand. I never was good at school stuff. He's probably just rehearsing.

Then I hear the handle of the door turn, and the ever familiar squeak as it is pushed inside. I see Yukio and all of the other exwires standing outside the door. They stare at the ground and then look up. For a second, their eyes are sad and they look apologetic for some reason. Then their stares turn to ones of shock, and Shiemi even looks like she has tears in her eyes. I'm confused. Then I look down.

Oh.

They see the new scar, the blood, the cut that shows just how shitty of a friend I am for lying and keeping secrets from them. I guess this is no different though, what else could they expect from me.

I don't know how to explain this to them, and part of me doesn't really want to. I don't need to explain it to them because they don't actually care anyways. I can only think of one thing to say, so I say it.

"I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect you ever will. Whatever you think about me, just please don't tell me to stop."

I walked over to the group, my blood dripping off of my fingers and on to the floor. I put my hand on the door and began to shut it.

"Don't tell me to stop."

I closed it, leaving a bloody hand print stain on the clean white door.

* * *

Song credit: Sweeney Todd: My Friends


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Also, the disclaimer I forgot in chapter 1. I don't own Ao no Exorcist. I never will. That's what fanfiction is for.

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Yukio led the exwires upstairs to his and Rin's floor in the abandoned boys dormitory. He had noticed that the students were quite obviously ignoring his brother, and had decided to give them a mouthful about it. He knew that it hurt Rin to be alone, just as he had been in the past. He had never made friends easily due to his short temper and literal demonic strength. He could only imagine what Rin was going through when his only friends had decided to ignore him so completely for one small detail that Rin had had no control over. Being the son of Satan didn't suddenly make Rin a different person. After all, he'd been Satan's son all his life, even if he'd only become aware of that fact a few months ago.

That was why Yukio had decided to confront his students. In a regular school, one of the jobs of the teacher was to prevent bullying, and to stop it if they were to ever see it. This situation is more or less the same thing. Purposefully leaving one student out is never kind, and is more cruel than most even start to imagine. As a teacher, and as a brother, Yukio had decided that the exwires needed a little scolding for their actions, or at least an opportunity to explain themselves. This is why Yukio set up an after-cram-school meeting with the group. Just a friendly group chat about a not-so-friendly topic.

"It's not what you're saying it is!" Bon exclaimed, angry that his actions had been interpreted that way, "It's not that I hate him for being Satan's son. Who can control who their own father is? I'm certainly not too proud of my old man either. I'm just mad at him for keeping this a secret! He didn't trust us after he called us his friends!" Bon slammed his fist into the desk to emphasize his emotions.

"I didn't try to ignore him." Shiemi said quietly, "I was just scared because I didn't know what to say to him. He always looks like he's so happy and that everything's okay. He thinks that it was okay for him to hide things from us, and when he looked hurt, I didn't know how to comfort him."

"I've ignored him for the most part anyways." said Izumo, "I don't really care at all, but I've never paid him any more or less attention than I do now."

"Rin's not a bad guy." Shima said casually, "I mean, he's kinda like me. He can't just sit and study for a test, he's gotta be in it and doing something. He's a lot more serious than me though, and he seems to have a pretty good taste in women, right Moriyama?" Shima joked. Shiemi blushed, "And he's a pretty funny guy once you get talking to him. I haven't intentionally avoided him, I just follow Bon because he's the reason that I'm here."

"I don't know about you, but I'm really scared of him!" Konekomaru said, "I mean, he could just start shooting flames at any time! Demon flames don't get put out like regular flames, and on top of that, fire can kill people. It's Satan's flame, so what do you think that flame is for? If he had some sort of control, I might be able to learn to cope with being around him, but it's just too dangerous right now. I don't know why you guys can take it so casually."

"Thank you for telling me all of your reasons." Yukio said with no expression on his face, "I can understand all of your reasons for wanting to stay away from my brother, and you all have valid points... except for Shima. I do understand that peer pressure is difficult, however this doesn't seem to usually affect you. After all, you dyed your hair pink. You seem not to care too much about how others view you.

"I held this meeting to inform you all that your ignorance has hurt my brother deeply. You five are his first real friends, if you don't include me, of course. For most of his life, I imagine he has felt a deep loneliness, not having any connection with his peers," Yukio looked toward Shiemi, "and now he has finally been able to call a group of people 'friends' for the first time in his life. How do you think that feels?

"I think it made him feel ecstatic. For the first time in a long while, Rin actually seemed eager to go out to school and do things, even if his homework was never complete and he failed all of my tests. Besides that point, Rin actually wanted to be here, rather than just attending because he felt that he had to." Yukio looked toward Bon now, "You all have different reasons for being here, but this is probably the first time since he learned to cook that Rin has felt like he has some sort of reason for doing just about anything.

"Then you took it away from him. Losing a friend is very painful," Yukio looked at Izumo, "almost like losing a family member. It can be just as painful, as you may be aware." Yukio now looked at Konekomaru, "I know that you have all felt the pain of losing someone close. Now imagine everyone that you know and hold dear. Imagine that they are all dead, or gone somewhere. It hurts, right? Now imagine that they are alive, but they are completely ignoring you, acting as if you don't exist, or hold even a bit of worth in their eyes. Does it hurt more? Or does it hurt less? What do you think?"

"I think that we're all jerks." Bon stated glumly, "I'm the one who talks about teamwork and cooperation, friendship and trust, and I just did what?" He stared at the floor.

"I can't believe we did that! We must have hurt him really badly. This is my first time making friends too, and if you were all gone, I don't know if I could ever make this much progress again. I really want to apologize to him!" Shiemi said, eyes filled with determination.

"Let's stop being cowards and go then." Izumo said.

"I agree, Rin's a pretty cool dude. He never deserved this. Why can't we just stop being teenagers and go say that we're sorry?" Shima said.

"I agree completely. Follow me, I'm pretty sure that he's in our room right now. You can all apologize to him there." Yukio said. He led the group towards the boys dormitory. Only Konekomaru had remained silent. He was still afraid, but he wasn't heartless. He couldn't just let Rin feel that miserable. He felt a little guilty too, but he just couldn't say it out loud.

The group climbed up the stairs in the dormitory and headed for Yukio's and Rin's room. Yukio checked inside first and determined that Rin wasn't in there. If he wasn't there, the only other places that he could be were in the kitchen or the bathroom. A pacing Kuro outside the door to the boys bathroom answered Yukio's question. If Kuro was outside, he must be waiting for Rin. For Kuro to be so anxious though, Rin must have been in there a while.

Yukio decided that it would be best to try to coax Rin out. He walked the exwires over to the door before he knocked. After a few raps on the door, the group waited. Rin didn't answer. After about a minute, Yukio decided that it had been plenty of time for Rin to do whatever he was doing.

"Rin? Are you in there? Are you okay?" Yukio asked. He waited a few seconds for an answer, but didn't receive one, "Nii-san, I'm worried about you. I'm going to come in now." Yukio opened the door.

As the bathroom door made it's familiar squeak, the exwires turned their eyes to the floor. Yukio didn't know if it was because they didn't know if they wanted to see what was inside, or if they were all just scared. Maybe it was a bit of both.

He pushed the door in all the way, and looked toward Rin with sad eyes. All of the exwires glanced toward the lone figure over the sink, and the blood that was slowly seeping down his left arm and the piece of broken glass in his right hand. The shock set in quickly. None of them could speak. All they could see was the blood, the scar, and their sad friend who'd felt that this was the best way to handle it all. They all felt horrible about what they'd done to the happy boy that they'd known a month ago.

In the middle of the shock, Rin began to speak.

"I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect you ever will. Whatever you think about me, just please don't tell me to stop."

Rin walked toward the group, blood dripping from his fingers to the floor. He put his hand on the door as if he were going to shut it, and spoke once more.

"Don't tell me to stop."

With those words, the door closed in front of them.

* * *

I could hear them talking from outside the door. They probably consider me a freak or a psychopath or something for what I've done to myself. But it's not true. I'm perfectly sane, at least I think I am, and I am most certainly not a psychopath. This was all planned and careful. I selected my target, selected a method, and carried out my plan flawlessly. The only error was them walking in and finding me. That was something that I hadn't calculated. I'm really much closer to a sociopath than a psychopath. I wonder why they were even here in the first place?

They had no reason to come here. The only ones who have a reason to come here are Yukio and Kuro because they live here, and Shura because she trains me. This dormitory has beds and a fridge, that's all that she really needs. And a roof for me to train on.

I think I should just go up there now. That space is really peaceful. I like it. I can relax there and not worry about anyone or anything at all. Up there, no one can reach me and no one can touch me. All I have to do is climb out this window and scale the wall.

That wasn't too difficult, even with this bloody arm of mine making it a little slippery. Hah, I wonder what Mephisto will think of the blood stains of his building. I bet he won't be too pleased. Oh well, it's his building. He can deal with it however the fuck he pleases. I don't give a damn about him or anyone else anymore. They can all just go to hell, or Gehenna, or wherever people go. I don't care about them anymore.

I don't care about them, and they don't care about me. If they don't care about me, then why should I? I mean, I am a demon, after all. Demons are supposed to die. That's why exorcists exist. I'm just a contradiction if I can't live by that rule. A demon or an exorcist. I can't be both since the two are effectively opposites. I have to chose one side or the other, and since I have no choice about being a demon, then I guess that's what I am. They are all human, part of Assiah, essentially good creatures. I am not. I am of Gehenna, and the spawn of the worst of them all.

I still held the piece of glass in one hand. It looked pointy enough to even create a stab wound, and it was large enough to go deep. Without a second thought, I plunged that glass shard into the side of my leg. It went all the way in. I guess I won't be able to use that toy anymore. Too bad.

Maybe that went in deep enough to kill me? I almost hope that it did. I really don't want to deal with this anymore. I bet even Yukio hates me now. I have absolutely no one left. None of them care, Yukio probably hates me because I'm not what he expected me to be, and I doubt Shura would care one way or the other. I'm her excuse to quit working and drink and nap. That leaves me with only Kuro. Sure he's my familiar now, but he was originally dad's cat. I'm sure he would prefer Yukio as a master over me. Yukio is smart and a well-trained exorcist. A prodigy, isn't that what they'd told us in the first class? Kuro deserves a better person with me, although I'm really gonna miss my little bud when I'm gone.

I guess I am suicidal if I'm already thinking that I'm gonna die. Well, no big deal. It's not that I hate living, it's just that I hate this life. If it changed a little, I'm sure it would be fine. If I wasn't so lonely all the time, maybe I could smile. Maybe if someone could understand, or try to reach out to me, help me, I could start to learn to be happy. Until then, I'm just alone. When you're alone, does it matter if you're alive or not? Who is really going to care? If you're alone, that means that there is no one there to care. Living or dead, it's all the same. So why not just give up? It's easier that way. No pain, no emotions, not heartbreak in death. Only silence, rest, and peace. Just an eternal sleep.

Sleep sounds really good. I'm tired. I hope no one finds me. Maybe I'll bleed out? But my demonic healing is too good for that. Maybe I'll just roll off the roof in a dream. That might do it, though I've had far worse falls during fights. Maybe I'll just die from the loneliness. I dunno. Just dying...

I let out a yawn and closed my eyes. There really is nothing left for me to do in this world. I can just sleep. I'll sleep on the roof here where no one will find me. This is my own place and I can live here by myself. I can live in my imagination and my dreams, pretending that there's someone out there who cares just a little about wretched being like me.

* * *

You wanted more, so here's chapter 2. Just a warning, updates will be erratic. Review if you feel inclined.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Yukio stared at the door for a full thirty seconds, shocked by what he'd just seen. He knew that his brother was upset and probably depressed, but he had never imagined this. Didn't Rin know that there were better ways of letting out his stress and frustrations? Didn't he know that he could just come and talk? That his younger brother would sit and listen to him? That he still had people who cared about him? Rin was family, and despite any jealousy, Yukio felt that he needed to be there for his brother at all times, and he had failed.

This brought on another thought. How long had Rin been doing this? When had he started? Did it begin this past month while he was being ignored by the exwires? It might have. Rin has always been good at avoiding subjects that he doesn't want to talk about, but he's never been able to completely hide something from his own brother before, has he? As a brother, Yukio had had lots of experience observing Rin, and figured that he could pick up on anything that Rin was feeling at any time, as well as provide a general idea, if not specifics, as to what Rin would do about it.

Based on the past, Yukio had known that Rin was lonely, sad, and depressed. It was easy to tell. Rin would hardly talk, would stare off into space, and act on autopilot all the time. There was nothing that he did that he seemed to want to be doing. Everything became a responsibility, a requirement. There was nothing that he did for fun. He didn't smile.

That's not completely true. He did smile, but he didn't really smile. Each one for the past month had been forced. Rin was forcing himself to look okay when he was clearly crumbling inside. But why? What possible reason could Rin have for not talking about it? Did Rin not trust him? Was Yukio such a horrible brother that Rin couldn't even understate it and say that he was just having a bad day? Really, that should have been his first clue that something worse was going on...

But this is exactly what Rin did before, all through elementary school and middle school. Does this mean that this wasn't his first time cutting? How long-

"Why would he do something so stupid?" Bon shouted. It was a question that all of them wanted answered, but one that none would probably ever understand that answer to. "Does he think that he's alone? I don't understand what's going through his head!"

"I think that might be part of the reason." Yukio stated, his voice betraying his shock at what he'd witnessed.

"But why? We're his friends. He knows that. Why does he need to hurt himself when he has so many people who care for him?" Shiemi asked.

"Because he doesn't think that way. Remember what I said before? Rin is alone. Everything that had started going right in his world was suddenly taken away. He reverted to a state before square one, because he didn't have betrayal and loss the first time through." Yukio answered. He wasn't thinking about the conversation, he was just answering automatically.

"When you say the first time through, does this mean that this has happened before?" Bon asked, concern thick in his voice, "If so, why didn't you tell us immediately? That way we could have stopped this from happening."

"I don't know. I don't know if this has ever happened before." Yukio said, guilt creeping into his voice. "I'm his goddamn brother and I didn't even notice it!" Yukio was shouting now, self-hatred prominent. "I'm the only person who he's been able to trust and apparently he wasn't even able to do that! It's my fault because I wasn't good enough! I wasn't able to help my brother when he needed help! I'm the only person in his life and I failed! I never even saw it happening! Why am I such a horrible person..." Yukio trailed off, breaking into small sobs.

Shiemi took a light hold of Yukio in an attempt to comfort him. "Hey, Yuki-chan. It's not just you. We all missed it. We all made a mistake, and now we all need to fix it. I don't know how, but I know that that's what we need to do." Shiemi said.

"Yeah, we've gotta do something. After all, he's our friend and he's hurt. We'd all be awful if we didn't do something. We just need to make a plan." Shima said.

"B-But you don't know. He's always been quite reserved. He doesn't like to share anything, especially his feelings. That's why I learned to read him, but apparently I fail at that too. Now my brother is hurt, possibly beyond hope and I can't help! He might even be suicidal for all I know and I never saw it coming! That's why it's my fault and why I'm so terrible!" Yukio screamed.

_SLAP!_

"Shut UP! Shut up Yukio. You're right, you are a horrible brother!" Izumo exclaimed.

"I-Izumo-" Yukio stared at Izumo in shock.

"You're talking about never seeing what's going on with Rin, well it's pretty obvious why!" She said, angry with all of them for being such idiots. "You're self-absorbed! He's in there hurting himself, maybe trying to die and you're out here screaming about why YOU'RE a horrible person. It's fitting because you ARE!

"He can smile and say it's okay. Maybe you don't believe him, but you won't do anything because most of your mind WANTS to believe in that illusion, believe that everything is okay. That leaves him breathing room to do whatever he wants to do, or thinks that he needs to do to make himself feel like someone cares! If he's acted like this before, then there's no doubt he's done this before, but you were too STUPID and SELFISH to even take a second glance! He manipulated you, and you fell for it. Now that you know, you're still out here crying about yourself instead of in there and DOING something about it!" Izumo yelled, hoping to get her point through Yukio's thick head.

"I-Izumo-" Yukio was cut off.

"Rin!" Bon yelled as he broke through the door to the bathroom. "You idi- what?"

A quick look at the room revealed that Rin was no longer there. "RIN! WHERE THE _HELL_ DID YOU GO? IF YOU AREN'T DEAD BY THE TIME I FIND YOU, I'M GONNA KILL YOU _MYSELF_ FOR BEING SO STUPID!" Bon screamed into the empty room.

"Hey, Bon. The window's open..." Konekomaru commented weakly. Bon rushed over to the window and looked out. He looked down, and thankfully didn't see a body at the base of the building. The small relief was short lived, when he realized that Rin was still missing.

He looked left, right, and up until he saw the blood on the dies up the building, trailing up to the roof. "He's on the roof!" Bon said to himself, relief filling him now that he knew the location, and dread filling him as he began to think about the conversation with Rin that would soon follow.

Bon turned around, rushed out of the bathroom, and ran towards the stairs to the roof. He wasn't half demon, so he couldn't climb up there like Rin did. As he ran, he shouted to the others not to follow him. "Oi! It's going to be one at a time to talk to him, you here me? All of us hurt him for too long, and I doubt he'll be forgiving! I don't think he can deal with more than one at a time! Dibs to be first!"

Bon climbed the stairs and slammed the rooftop door open with a huge bang. "Rin! Oi, Rin! Whatcha doing? Rin?"

He saw Rin laying on the roof, facing the sky and completely ignoring him. He guessed he deserved that, but Rin didn't look like he'd noticed Bon arrive at all. No twitch of the ears or flick of the tail. He was dead still...

...Dead?

"Rin! Wake up! Get up you moron!" Bon shouted as he ran over and started shaking Rin. He looked asleep, but it was more likely that he was unconscious. Bon did a quick scan of Rin's body and found a likely reason why. The idiot had shoved a large shard of glass into his leg. His pants were thoroughly soaked and caked with his blood. Only a demon could lose this much blood and still be breathing... But Rin's only half demon. This could really kill him! There would be no suicide while Bon had any say in the matter.

Only one thing to do. He couldn't let the idiot leave that piece of glass in his body, slowly festering with bacteria that could eventually kill him. He just had to get the thing out and deal with the injury as best as he could.

* * *

My leg hurts a little. Why does it feel like there's something wiggling under my skin? Did demon worms work their way in through the glass wound to slowly devour my organs from the inside? I dunno. Sounds like a painful end, but I don't deserve anything nicer. After all, I'm Satan's son, the worst of all.

"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEAAAHHH!" Rin screamed out loud as his leg felt like it had suddenly been ripped off where his wound was. He curled his leg towards himself, grabbed it and kept screaming, keeping his eyes shut. He was definitely awake now, but he didn't want to see another sky. Another sky meant another day he had to spend on this earth, living with all of the hate and ignorance that he received every day. He didn't want to do it.

"Oi, Rin. I got the glass out, now let me fix up your leg." A Bon-sounding person instructed. I don't answer. I am in pain and don't want to deal with the likes of my "friends" right now.

"Oi, I know you're awake. Stop ignoring me and let me help you. If that gets infected, you could actually die, you know. Demon healing or no, your immune system still works the same. If it fails, you die. Now let me fix it up, you damn idiot." Bon said. I kept ignoring him. "Hey, stop annoying me!" Bon said as he shook my shoulders.

"Like you ignore me?" I quietly jabbed back. The jerk. He deserves it.

No answer. Damn. I hate him. He can't even reply to it. He knew what he was doing and still kept doing it! Am I really that awful? Does it make him feel better to know that I'm hurt? I guess so, I'm devil-spawn. I don't deserve kindness, even if I try to be kind and try to help. All I can do is get it wrong. There's nothing good about me. He's back to ignoring me now. I'm not even worthy of an answer now that he knows I can speak again. I guess being able to say four fucking words means that I'm a-okay and he can just go back to normal and keep on ignoring me. Why did I have to be born?

"I'm sorry. I deserve that. I didn't mean it the way it came across, and I realize that now. You have no reason to forgive me or ever trust me again after all I've done to you, but I do realize my mistakes and I just want to help. Will you let me fix up your leg?" Bon apologized quietly. It surprised me. I almost want to believe him, but it's probably just a trick to make me feel worse. I won't fall for it, but this leg does need a little bit of patching up...

"Do what you want. I don't care, but I know you're not sorry. Don't lie to me. I'm not falling for your trick. I'm not going to let you be nice to me and let me believe that we're friends just so you can turn around and hate me again. I'm not that stupid you know." I said. "Besides, what's to forgive? You weren't in the wrong in the first place. I was in the wrong for ever assuming that I could live the same as you all." Why did I just admit that to him? Am I really that desperate for company and companionship?

"Fuck it! Don't you know that we actually give a damn about you and what you do? Why don't you take a look at the truth? Look at me and see what I'm saying! I was wrong! I apologize! You don't have to forgive me, but I'm sure as hell not lying to you!" Bon shouted. I cringed. I knew that he hated me. He must have seen the flinch because he immediately quieted. "I was just mad at you for not telling us sooner. Friends trust each other, right? You didn't seriously think we'd turn on you just because of who your old man is, did you?"

"But you did." I hope my words stung.

They must have, because Bon went silent. He took off his shirt, ripped it, and wrapped it around my leg.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I have no right to even be talking to you and trying to earn any sort of forgiveness or relief from this guilt I feel for hurting you so badly. If anything, the roles should be reversed. I've been the demon." Bon said quietly, but just loud enough for me to hear. "I'm not giving up though. You look like you haven't seen a kind face your whole life. Everyone deserves at least that."

My eyes betrayed me. They started tearing. I had been waiting for such a long time to hear someone say that, to try to give me some sort of comfort, but I can't accept it. To accept it would be like admitting that it had never happened. This is not something that I will ever forget.

"Whatever you might think about me, I do just want to help. I want you to stop and learn to trust someone, even if it's not me. I just want you to stop and please, never do something this stupid again." Bon said. I could hear the hurt in his voice. I guess he's been telling the truth this whole time, but he made one very big mistake.

"I guess you aren't ready to listen to me at all. Maybe having someone to talk to would be nice, but I can't trust you. You can't even listen to one small condition." I said, letting my voice grow hard and cold.

"What? What was it?" Bon asked.

"It's just what I said before. You don't understand. You will not understand how difficult what you're asking me is. I said 'don't tell me to stop.' Please leave now. I don't want to see you." I said.

"And I don't want to see you attempt the same thing you just did! Maybe I'm not ready to listen, like you say. It's your choice, but you sure as hell aren't staying out here. You are getting the fuck back into your dorm and getting some fucking treatment for that leg of yours. Even if you don't want me to, I'm not letting you kill yourself. Not so long as I can do something about it." Bon stated firmly. He walked over and picked me up. He squirmed and got me onto his back, piggyback style.

A part of me was happy that someone cared, but the majority of me was disappointed that I was now on suicide watch, even though I didn't really want to die. Now I wouldn't be able to cut, not with this much supervision.

"You aren't going to make this easy, are you Rin?" Bon asked. I didn't know whether he was talking about getting me to trust him, or getting me to get off his back and walk back to my room myself. I know I'm a heavy weight to carry. All muscle. I just relaxed and made myself heavier. I smirked when I heard Bon grunt with the extra work that he suddenly needed to do. Hah. Serves him right. He says he wants to help, but he really doesn't understand. He never will. He can try, but until he's cut himself, he won't understand what I'm talking about. He can only see from his side, so he doesn't know just how much it takes to keep up the appearance, to look like I'm not dying from the inside out.

He doesn't know, and he never will. Not if I can help it. I don't want to talk to someone who doesn't even know the first thing about cutting.

Once you start, you don't stop. Maybe you'll be sober for a day, a week, a month, maybe even ten years. It doesn't matter. You'll still do it again.

That's why I told him not to tell me to stop.

I only managed to get one sentence out before I passed out again. Maybe he'll get it this time. "Don't tell me to stop, you stupid rooster."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It had been ten minutes since Bon had run off, calling dibs on helping his brother, and Yukio was starting to feel a little anxious. Where could they be? What's taking so long? Bon had said that Rin was on the roof, so how long should it take for the two of them to come down? Yukio paced around his room, his thoughts racing too quickly for him to keep up. He felt horrible, guilty, and worried for his brother. Why had everything turned out this way?

Because he hadn't paid enough attention to Rin when it counted. Who was he to be scolding the exwires when he had done the same thing that they had? Since he was Rin's brother, it made him worse than the exwires.

While pacing, Yukio couldn't shake the feeling that his brother had done something especially stupid this time. What other reason would Bon have for not being back yet? Maybe they were just talking. He would love to believe that, but he knew Rin at least well enough to know that Rin won't talk. He must be terribly hurt... And that only made him more anxious.

The anxious pacing of their teacher wasn't helping the exwires either. It only lead the exwires down similar thoughts. Shiemi had tear tracks down her face, Izumo and Shima shared worried frowns, Konekomaru seemed a little panicked, although they couldn't tell just who he was panicked for, and Kuro sadly pawed against the bedroom door, waiting for his master to come back.

Needless to say, the tension was very high in the room. When the sound of footsteps (not Yukio's) was heard from outside the door, the whole group ran over and threw the door open before beginning to bombard Bon with questions.

"How is he?"

"What happened?"

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"He didn't hurt you did he?"

"Why is Rin on your back?"

"Why is he unconscious?"

"Why-"

"WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!" Bon shouted. "Yukio, I want you to help me carry Rin to his bed, then, while he's still asleep, I want you to take all of y our shit and get it out of here. You are moving out of this room. The rest of you, either help carry Yukio's stuff out, or get the hell out of here."

"Why should I remove my things from this room?" Yukio inquired. He was relieved to see that his brother was relatively okay, but confused by Bon's orders.

"Because Rin can't fucking deal with any of you. Sure, you've shared the room this whole time and he's been fine with you, but clearly, having you here didn't help. Get your shit out, and leave him alone for a while." Bon stated, becoming a little annoyed with the exorcist.

"But he's my brother? Are you saying that I can't see him at all?" Yukio asked, alarmed.

"Except for class. You don't have much choice then, do you. Believe me, he won't want to see you. If anything, you'll only cause him to feel worse. If I know anything about this idiot, it's that he cares for you. A lot. He wants to protect you because he has such a fucking martyr complex. He'll kill himself before he lets anything, including himself hurt you. That's why you need to leave. Apparently talking to anyone means hurting them, somehow." Bon replied.

"I see. I guess you're right. I'll get out. But then where should I stay?" Yukio asked.

"I don't know, what about the rest of this empty fucking dormitory?" Bon said, extremely annoyed with how dense his teacher was acting. Sure, he's probably in shock, but that question was just stupid.

"Make sure you're cleared out before he wakes up. Konekomaru, would you use your key to go back to our dorm and get some of my stuff for me?" Bon asked

"Um, sure. I can do that. What do you need?" Konekomaru asked.

"Hmm. Let's start with about a week's worth of clothes, toiletries, a few good books, and all my homework, notebooks, textbooks, and pencils. That should last me for a little bit." Bon answered.

"You-you don't plan to stay here, do you?" Konekomaru's voice rose with each word, "He's dangerous? What if something happens?"

"If anything happens, it'll happen to him. He won't hurt me. Anyways, I've gotta stay here and make sure that he doesn't try anything more stupid. Also, for him to trust me, I've gotta trust him too. If I can trust him to not hurt me, then maybe he'll trust me to not hurt him too. It's a long shot, but I've gotta try." Bon explained tiredly. "Will you get going already? I need a new shirt. This one's torn and covered in Okumura's blood."

"Sure Bon, whatever you ask." Konekomaru replied meekly, quietly making his way to the boys dorm to get Bon's things.

"What do you plan to do with my brother when he wakes up?" Yukio asked.

Bon sighed. "Honestly, I don't know. I've never dealt with anything like this before, and I don't exactly understand everything about where Okumura is coming from. I've never done it myself, so I can't possibly know. That's what he told us all before, too. I guess I'll just wing it and play it by ear. Try to help him out if I can. Who knows, if I'm lucky, maybe I can help his grades too, do you a favour." Bon smirked.

"Not funny Bon! I just want my brother back..." Yukio said sadly.

"And that's your problem. He was never back, he was always gone. You just believed a lie. Now hurry up and grab your stuff so you can get the hell out!" Bon scolded.

The conversation in the room ended abruptly. The exwires helped Yukio trek his things out of his room, and Konekomaru returned shortly with a small suitcase containing everything Bon had asked for. He trusted Bon, so he had to believe that he would be okay, no matter how scared he was of Okumura.

After Yukio had moved out, he and the exwires left Bon and Rin alone in the room, Rin still passed out on his bed. Bon took a quick glance at Rin's sleeping form before sighing. He clapped his hands together and began unpacking his things. He figured he'd be staying for a while.

* * *

I was sleeping just fine, and now Yukio's puttering about on his side of the room, being really noisy. Can't he take a hint? That noise, those slamming drawers and that cloth on cloth noise, it's really irritating and Yukio's doing it really loudly. Well, I guess I'll just have to joke at him about it and get him to stop. It's annoying and I just want to sleep.

I sit up, rub my eyes, and put on my best smile. "Oi, Yukio. That's some of the loudest clothes-folding I've ever heard? Ya don't need to be reorganizing your room now, do ya? What's the special occas-" I open my eyes and I don't see Yukio. "Bon, why the HELL are you in my room?" I'm beyond pissed. He has absolutely no right to be in here. I don't want him here. I want him to go the fuck away so he can hate me from a distance and I can be lonely and depressed and everything can go back to normal. I don't need him in my room, packing his shit into Yukio's space.

"Someone's gotta watch you, and Yukio wasn't doing a very good job." Bon replied. Still placing his neatly folded clothes into drawers.

"So this is a fucking suicide watch? You don't need to bother. I'm not gonna do anything." I grumbled.

"If you wanna call it that, go ahead. I'm just here to keep you company, though." Bon said.

"How long?" I asked.

"Well, that depends. You asked me not to tell you to stop, so I won't. I don't get what's going on, not completely. You're totally right about that. I'm just here to keep you company until I do, or until I'm convinced that you aren't going to start up with this nasty habit again. It's really up to you, when you want me to leave." Bon answered coolly.

"That's basically the same thing as asking me to stop, you know. I'm not gonna kill myself, I promise. Good enough? I'm under no obligation to tell you anything, so why don't you just go away?" I asked.

"Because you're my friend, you idiot. I'm trying to make up for a mistake by explaining myself to you and trying to help you get past all this because I am part of the cause. That, and because it's the job of a friend to help other friends out, right? You've got a problem, talk about it. Ask for help, Okumura, especially when you need it. We aren't gonna let you down, you know." Bon said

"You already have." Fuck! Stop being honest with him just because I'm pissed! He'll learn things! Fuck! I should just shut up, no more talking to him.

"I know. And I apologize. You don't ever have to accept it. It's your choice. Either way, I'm staying because you clearly need help. I don't care what you say about it. You said I shouldn't tell you to stop, and I said that I'm not giving up on you. Sucks to be in your shoes, right? You have to deal with me until you help yourself feel better, however you plan to do that. Honestly, I don't care how you make yourself happy, even if it involves ignoring me forever, I just want you to stop feeling the way you've been feeling for the last month. No one deserves that kind of hurt, Okumura, no one." Bon explained.

"Then why don't you just leave, I'll continue with my life, and you continue with yours. That satisfies everything you just said. What I do makes me feel better. It drowns out the depression and the loneliness. I don't have to talk to you or anyone, and you can just leave me alone. You'll be happy, I'll be happy, and you never have to see me again. Works beautifully." I said.

"Except for the part where you aren't happy." Bon said, "I may not get everything about why you do what you do, but I do know what it feels like to be shunned and lonely. I'm the child of the cursed temple. The whole city of Kyoto knows me and ignores me too. I can't do anything about it. I do get that part, at least. Now why don't you just give in and let me help you?" Bon asked, as he slammed the full drawer closed. Finally all of his clothes were packed away.

"Simple. I don't trust you, I never will, and I don't need to. Just get the hell out of here. Leave." I said.

"Stubborn idiot." Bon replied.

"An insult. That makes me feel loads better." I roll my eyes.

"I'm not gonna mollycoddle you, ya ass. If you can't handle it from me, that just proves you can't handle it from all the people in the rest of your life who are gonna think the same thing. Think of it as practice for the rest of your life." Bon replied, before laying himself down on the bed, and turning his body away from me. I guess he's just as happy with the new rooming assignment as I am. I wonder who's idea this was, anyway?

Maybe he's right though. Maybe I can't handle it. If the rest of my life is gonna be full of people hating me, I don't really want to be living it. I've had enough of it in the last fifteen years of my life. No one is going to suddenly change their minds and decide that I'm an okay person and treat me like I actually matter. No one is ever gonna care about me. I don't need to delude myself about that.

I turned over to face my wall. I hear soft snoring from the other side of the room. I guess the moving tired Bon out enough for a nap. Taking advantage, I slipped my hand down the crack between my bed and the wall. I picked up the sharp toy I'd hidden there. A piece of a CD case that I'd snapped in half a long time ago. It's big enough that I can hide it there and grab it, and it's in a place that no one will ever find. If they try to clean my room out, they'll fail. They'll never manage to find all of my toys.

Bon says he want to help me? I say "fuck him." I stab the pointy plastic into my forearm and rip it across. Blood starts pouring immediately. No need to hide the blood since he already knows. I tucked my plastic back into the crack, then settled myself down. Another nap would be nice. It'll be nice when I wake up. I can't wait to see and hear Bon's reaction to my new red tie-dye sheets.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Yukio paced his new room anxiously. He had moved down to the first floor at the other end of the building to give his brother as much space as he could. He hoped that Rin would be okay, because he certainly couldn't stand being this far away from his brother for this long, knowing that there's something wrong with him. He figured it was his own fault for being such a terrible brother, but it still pained him to think that way. He just wanted to protect Rin, to help Rin be happy. Too bad he had failed.

Shiemi and Izumo were keeping Yukio company through his impatience. They knew that Yukio wanted Bon to come running back here and tell Yukio to go back and be with his brother. They also knew that that wouldn't happen. The best they could do was to try to keep the exorcist's mind off of everything and wait for a text about how Rin was doing. If a text came, that is. Bon hadn't said whether or not he'd periodically inform them all about Rin's well-being.

Since there were two of them and two jobs, Shiemi did her best to keep Yukio calm, while Izumo kept her phone in mind. Shiemi didn't have a phone, and Izumo didn't care for Yukio any more than she cared for anyone else. It worked out well.

"That's it. I need to see my brother right now. This is insane! He's clearly not doing okay so why can't I go back and help him! He's my brother! I need to protect him! I need to fix this!" Yukio shouted. He was getting a little hysterical.

"No, Yuki. You can't go see him. Bon said one at a time, and that Rin couldn't trust you yet. It's only been a couple of hours. You need to be patient." Shiemi pleaded, hoping to appeal to Yukio's sense of reason.

"But he's my brother! He's going to trust me more than anyone else! We've lived together for fifteen years! He's only known you guys for four months! How is he supposed to trust anyone other than me?" Yukio screamed.

"Well, you did lie to him." Izumo stated calmly. "You've been training as an exorcist for eight years or so, lying to him for eight years or so. Is that supposed to promote trust?"

"But he's my brother!" Yukio cried

"We know. That also doesn't mean that he will always completely trust you. Siblings may be close, but that doesn't mean that they will act perfectly, according to the other's wishes." Izumo said.

Tears started falling down Yukio's face. "You don't have to be so harsh, Izumo. Yuki is going through a hard time too. It hurts us all to know what Rin's done, but it hurts Yuki more since they're brothers and they've been together for so long and-" Shiemi was cut off.

"Idiot. You weren't listening earlier, were you. You two _have_ been together for quite a long time. If Rin thought that he could trust you enough to tell you, then he would have, barring some other important reason. Tell me, Yukio. Was Rin a violent child? Did he pick fights with the kids that probably bullied your weak little four-eyes self? Did he consider you someone worth protecting from all harm? Because that seems like him to me." Izumo argued, annoyed.

Yukio could only gulp in reply. "It's just what Bon said earlier, isn't it?" Shiemi asked, "He needs someone other than Yuki-chan right now."

Izumo could see the sadness on the faces of the other two and decided that it would be beset to let them deal with it themselves. She couldn't help them. She could only provide third-party facts for them.

"I'm gonna go get some fresh air." Izumo said as she walked out of Yukio's new room.

She decided to explore the dormitory. It's not like she had anything else to do. She just wandered around, taking in the walls, the rooms, the layout, the colours. It seemed to be a pretty standard place, if a little grungy and old. It's not somewhere that she'd ever like to sleep in again, but it did seem liveable, if nothing else. It seemed to be divided into two halves on each floor, with each half being the reverse of the other. Pretty normal for a building meant to house a large number of students in a specific area. It was just hallways with rooms, a bathroom at the end of each hall, and a common room/kitchen area in the middle. Very straightforward.

She was wandering around the upper floors when she heard some banging and shouting.

"-Okumura, why the hell can't you just shut up and listen for once!"

"Because I don't have to! You aren't my mom! You aren't my dad either! He's the great demon king of Gehenna, you have a grudge against him! You're gonna defeat him, remember!"

"Yeah, and so are you! Shut the fuck up and listen for once!"

"Why should I? You don't even know what the fuck you're talking about! You have no authority! Just get the hell out of here!"

She heard a door slam, and some angry footsteps coming down the hall. Bon saw her and just glared.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing." Izumo replied. Bon stalked away angrily, probably trying to blow off some of that hot air.

Izumo sighed. Since Rin should probably be under constant watch, and since Bon just ran off, she figured she should probably go sit with him. It's not like anyone else was going to do it, and it's not like she had anything better to do. She was just wandering the dormitory, after all. Why did boys have to be so stupid? It shouldn't be that hard to just sit in a room, making sure Rin doesn't grab anything sharp. Even if he did, what's the point in stopping him? They probably couldn't. All they can do is sit there and hope that he decides that saying something is better than acting violently.

But boys think with their fists and their dicks, not their brains. Izumo sighed again. Why couldn't everyone have at least a little bit of common sense? Maybe she could get away with texting Paku on Bon's half of the room while Rin did whatever he wanted to do on his own side. She walked up to the door, knocked softly, then went inside.

* * *

It didn't feel like I'd slept long before someone was shaking my shoulder. Really hard. It jostled my injured arm and made it start to throb. Oh yeah. My arm. I bet that's what Bon's mad about. Hah. Serves him right, that jerk. He can't lie to me that easily.

"What the fuck, you asshole!" I shouted.

"That's what I should be asking you! How? Why did you go and rip your arm apart over your sheets? What was the reason behind that?" Bon shouted. I'd made him mad. Heh. That made me smirk a little.

"The same reason as every other time. I didn't think I'd have to hide it this time since you already know. Does it bother you or something? Why should you care in the first place? Can I go back to sleep now. I was having a dream about this gorgeous chick you know." I answered snarkily. Lies about the chick, but whatever.

"You aren't Shima! Of course it bothers me! You're my friend, Okumura! Or at least, I'm trying to be yours!"

"Yeah, right. Since when?"

"Since always, you moron!"

"Shut up! I'm not that stupid, okay? I was smart enough to fool all of you dimwits! And you and Yukio even got fucking scholarships here! Don't call me an idiot!" He was really pissing me off now. Just 'cause I can fight and I don't look all that smart, or care that much about school, does _not_ make me stupid.

"Of course you are! You just did something like this even though you have friends here to help you!" Bon shouted back. He really doesn't know how to listen to me.

I burst into flames. "You are NOT my friends! How could you be after everything you've done! I'm not going to let you all just destroy my feelings like that again! I'm smarter than that! I'm stronger than that!"

Bon's eyes widened, but only for a split second. I guess he's more angry at me than scared of me. "You're really stronger than that? Then prove it! Let us be your friends, let us help you, and stop this mess!"

"WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? AND WHY THE FUCK CAN'T ANYONE EVER LISTEN TO ME?" I was seeing red and blue. Anger and flames. I was vaguely aware that my body might set off a fire alarm if I didn't calm down soon. I heard some crashing as Bon started throwing his textbooks on the floor in frustration.

"We are just trying to help you! Okumura, why the hell can't you just shut up and listen for once!"

"Because I don't have to! You aren't my mom! You aren't my dad either! He's the great demon king of Gehenna, you have a grudge against him! You're gonna defeat him, remember!"

"Yeah, and so are you! Shut the fuck up and listen for once!"

"Why should I? You don't even know what the fuck you're talking about! You have no authority! Just get the hell out of here!"

Bon turned on his foot angrily and walked out the door, slamming it behind him. I guess I'm not even worth a response, and that I'm not worth his time to be around. All I can do is make him angry. Even if he deserves it, I can't be the one to give it to him. I'm shouldn't be scolding him when I'm worse than he is. I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around. I am Satan's son after all. These fucking flames just prove it.

I sighed in frustration. It's not like anyone will ever give a damn, or should give a damn. I could just as easily cut my self into oblivion. I bet that that would feel nice.

I stared across the room and spotted my old dull razor between two textbooks. I hid it in between history and geology. With Bon throwing his books around, I guess it shook the blade loose. I'd better put it back if nothing else.

I padded across the room, and just grabbed the blade without thinking. I felt a small sting as it nicked my palm and fingertips. Those things are sharp on both sides. Oh well, nothing I probably wasn't going to do at some point anyways. No harm done.

I heard a soft knocking on the door. Blade in hand, I froze. Then the door opened. Eyebrows walked in, looking bored. She sat down on Bon's bed and pulled out her phone. Texting someone, I guess.

"Why are you here?" I asked

"Someone's gotta watch you, and with the way Bon stormed out, I would say that he's currently unfit to do so." She glanced up from her phone to look at me and take a brief look at the room. "I guess he wasn't doing a great job anyways, with the way your sheets look."

"I-I guess not." What's up with her? Does she not care at all? Then why is she here?

"You can stop being so nervous. Go put that blade in your hand away before Bon comes back and finds it. Then, you might want to clean yourself up." She said, look back at her phone. It dinged. I guess she's talking to someone.

"What?" I asked. How did she know?

"Blood's dripping off your hand, and there is no wound on your arm. You must be holding something sharp. With how relaxed your hand is, the only thing sharp enough is a blade."

Can she read minds?

"I can't read minds, I'm just a girl. We tend to use our brains, not our fists." Her phone dinged again. Man, she's popular. I don't see why.

"Fine then." I cleaned myself up, threw away the sheets, and tucked the blade back in between the history book and geology book. She probably won't tell Bon about it. She doesn't seem to care enough.

"In case you're wondering, I do care, you know." Eyebrows said. Girls are so creepy.

"What are you talking about? I never said that I thought you didn't."

"Well, you probably think that none of us gives a damn because we betrayed you. That's only your perspective, though. I still treat you the same, so is that really a betrayal?" she asked.

That's a good point. She never cared in the first place, and she doesn't care now. Maybe she can just sit there. At least Eyebrows doesn't piss me off.

"I guess not. But you never really gave a damn about anyone but Paku and yourself in the first place anyways. I mean, why else would you be so calm and cold about this right now, anyways?" I asked. Her phone dinged again as she turned her eyes up towards me. She dropped her phone and stalked across the room, jabbing her finger into my chest.

"I don't show that I give a damn because I too, know what it feels like to be ostracized by peers. Paku is my only friend, the only one that I can let down my guard around. If she's the only one that I appear nice to, the so be it. No one else has given me a reason yet. I guess we aren't so different after all." Eyebrows hissed angrily. "You aren't the only one, you know."

With that, she got off of me and went back to the bed. She picked up her phone and continued her texting.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. That really freaked me out. Angry girls are fucking scary!

Eyebrpws rolled her eyes. "If I tell you, would you consider listening to me?"

"Sure, I guess. You're the only one who isn't bugging me to stop. That was the one condition I told you all, remember?"

Eyebrows rolled up her sleeve. On the inside of her left arm was a single thin white line. "Like I said, you aren't the only one."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Yukio's phone buzzed on his new nightstand. He didn't notice it in all of his worry and anxiety. He just kept pacing and thinking, trying to figure out what would drive Rin to hurt himself so much. Shiemi had to shake him to get him to pay attention.

"Yuki, your phone is buzzing. You should answer it, it might be important." Shiemi said, patiently, holding Yukio's shoulder.

"Oh, okay. I didn't notice." He flipped his phone open to look at the text message.

_Yo, four-eyes, what room did you move to?_

Of course, it had to be from Bon. Maybe he was going to bring Rin over here!

_Room 101._ He replied. He hoped Bon would bring his brother quickly. Only a few hours apart, and he could hardly bear it.

Soon enough, a very annoyed looking Bon walked into the room. Alone. He slammed the door shut behind him, stalked over to the bed, and took a seat. "What?"

"Where's Rin!" Yukio demanded. If Rin wasn't here, then that meant that Rin was alone right now, That is not allowed. Rin can't possibly be alone in case he cuts himself again! Or what if he does something worse than that? Cutting and cutting a little deeper couldn't be that much different, right? There's no way Rin would do that. He hoped.

"I had a fight with the idiot. He refused to listen to me, and he kept claiming that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing. He told me to get the fuck out of the room since I didn't understand, so I did." Bon answered.

"But that means that Rin is _alone_ right now. How could you _possibly_ leave him _alone_ right now. How could you even _think_ that that was a good idea! Even in anger, WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE UP THERE! HE COULD BE DOING JUST ABOUT ANYTHING TO HIMSELF RIGHT NOW! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE AND TEXTING FOR?" Yukio shouted as he stalked over to the teen on his bed, preparing to shake the crap out of him.

"I'm texting Izumo to ask her if she's with him. I passed her just down the hall from Rin's room after I left. She might have gone to sit with him." Bon replied, glaring at his teacher. "I do have a brain, you know. I do use it. Instead of wasting energy shouting at me, you could have been doing the same thing."

"But I didn't know that she was there! What did she say!" Yukio said, really annoyed with the student on his bed.

"She hasn't texted me back ye-" his phone buzzed, "I guess that's her." He flipped his phone open. "She said yes. She's with Rin, they're talking, and he's fine. Pfft. That liar." Bon said

"Liar? What could she be lying about!" Yukio asked

"Everything. Obviously, the moron isn't fine, or we wouldn't be here trying to help his sorry ass. And I know he's not fine because he managed to-" Bon cut himself short. Yukio didn't need to know about his brother, or about his own failures.

"What. Did. My. Brother. Do. Bon?" Yukio was hardly holding back his rage.

"Calm down, Yuki!" Shiemi pleaded, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"He didn't do anything. He just argued with me a bunch. That's all." Bon said, looking away.

"Tell me what's going on with my brother!" Yukio demanded.

"Fine! Your idiot brother clearly doesn't trust us and wants to annoy us all because he ripped his arm apart just before a nap! I didn't notice because I was already asleep after moving a whole bunch of crap into that room, and having a small argument with him." Bon answered.

"Why did you let him do that!" Yukio shouted.

"I already told you, I was asleep!" Bon shouted back. "If your brother doesn't give a damn, then why should we? I mean, he's not gonna stop, even if we try to make him. He can always use his nail if he has to. Trimming them won't do a thing, since he can just release his demon powers and have them grow out again, sharper than ever. It's a futile effort." He sighed. "Why bother trying?"

"Because you said that he was your friend!"

Bon's eyes went wide for a second, then narrowed. "Yeah, we're trying to be friends to him, but he doesn't feel the same way. To him, us and the rest of the world might as well be the demons we fight every day. We're the enemies, only he can't kill us."

"Then convince him otherwise!"

"I can't! He doesn't' want to listen!"

"Then make him listen and take away all of the sharp stuff in his room! Give him safety scissors, restrict his access to kitchen knives, and watch him more closely!"

"Then he'll just use his nails! And that won't make him trust us more! Maybe taking away his tools would help, but that's not gonna make him trust us at all!"

"But, you need to help him get better. Please? Do what I couldn't do..." Yukio trailed off, sniffling. "Please help my brother, please? I want him to get better. I want to see my big brother again." Yukio dropped to his knees. Shiemi put her arms around him to try to comfort him.

* * *

"So, what happened? Why did you- Just what?" I asked, confused. "Why would you ever-?"

"Why do you do it? Honestly, I wasn't a fan. Not my thing, I guess. I was a popper for a while, but I quit." Izumo answered calmly.

"Popper?"

"Popping an elastic band against my arm, hand, or wrist. Sometimes it would bleed a little if I snapped it hard enough, enough times in a row. And I could hide the marks with the hair tie or elastic I used to do the damage."

"And how did you quit?"

"I met Paku."

I stared at my feet for a minute. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what can possibly be said? What words would make any difference? I already know that nothing will make a difference. I mean, it's kind of the same for me. What could anyone say to make me feel better? I don't know, and I don't know what to say to her. Maybe I should just keep listening to her? Wait, Paku. Paku helped somehow?

"How did Paku help?" I asked.

"She was my first friend."

"But how did that help? Didn't she just ignore you, or get angry when she found out?"

"I almost wish she would have. It would have been easier than what she did do. But I'm glad that she did what she did, or I don't know what would have happened. I don't know what I'd be like right now, how I'd be treating myself, how I'd be feeling, I don't know if I even want to think about what could have been." Izumo answered.

"This might now be any of my business, but, um, what did she do?"

"We became friends in elementary school. A bunch of kids were picking on me again, and I ended up dropping my books. Paku, being the amazing and nice person that she is, walked over and helped me pick them up. She told me that she wanted to be my friend, and that she didn't like being friends with those who hurt or bully others. Heh. She's still the same way now. Even though I told her that she'd only be hurt by being my friend, she stuck with me. I couldn't understand, and there was a weird feeling building up in my chest. It didn't feel bad, just kind of weird. I didn't know what to call it.

"I was the school freak. I was the crazy kid. The one who saw imaginary monsters all over the place, just looking for attention from the adults. I was the kid who cried and pretended to be scared just so that the teachers would comfort me. They didn't know about demons, and neither did I, really. It took me a little while to figure out that the other kids couldn't see them, and that they weren't just lying and picking on me for no reason. Paku didn't seem to mind, though. And when she became my friend, people stopped picking on me.

"Even though things got better for me, it didn't take much to set me off. I would use just about anything as a reason to snap the band against my wrist. If my test mark wasn't high enough, if I couldn't understand a homework problem, even if I just felt a little lonely. A few times, I didn't even have a reason. But it all had to come to an end one day. One day, Paku caught me.

"She saw me snapping a band against my wrist several times in the past, but I talked her out of thinking much of it. I mean, I just told her it was to keep myself from getting too distracted in class, and she didn't question it. But one day, she caught a snap that made me bleed. She grabbed my hands and told me to tell her what was wrong. She told me that making myself bleed wasn't helping me to accomplish anything, and that it hurt her to see her friend hurting so much inside that she had to take it out on herself. She said it hurt to think that her friend didn't trust her enough to tell her that something was wrong."

I looked down and flinched inwardly. Maybe that's how Yukio feels right now.

"She got me to look her in the eye and tell her what was going on. She got me to admit my fears and doubts, and she got me to start thinking that I could trust someone else again. That weird feeling in my chest that I felt every time Paku was around grew stronger than ever during that time. I later learned that the feeling was comfort and love.

"Sounds corny, right? Well, I don't care that much. I'm allowed to love my friends. Or in this case, friend. Paku was basically my family from that point on. I could tell her anything, and she would help me out. Either of us could say anything, share inside jokes, and not feel stupid about it. To me, it was the best thing that's ever happened. I started to feel happy for the first time in a very long time.

"Because of my friend, I was able to stop popping. I didn't need to do it anymore. I'd found a healthier coping method. I talked. To a friend." Izumo stared at me. "You don't have to do it, and to be honest, I don't think there is a single one of us who doesn't want you to stop. But I know that there's no point in telling you not to. You won't stop, and you won't listen to us. Not until you learn for yourself what you need to learn."

I could only stare at the floor. What do I need to learn? I already know enough. I know that I can't trust people, especially those people. They all hate me. They don't care about me. They never did, and I doubt they ever will. I'm not going to listen to them, especially without a good reason. I don't care if hurting myself is considered wrong by most. And now I know that Izumo would be a hypocrite if she said anything. I guess I know now why she's so cold to people. But that's not the same as me. She doesn't know how it feels to be me. She never will. She has Paku, and Paku is too nice to ever ignore or betray Izumo. If what she says is true, then she's at least safe for a while. She's safe from it all until she and Paku have to part forever.

That doesn't matter. I need to think about me. Thinking about other people means that I might start to care about them. I can't do that! I can't start to care, only to have those people turn on me and destroy my heart again. I can't take any more hurt feelings. I can't afford to give a damn about anyone else anymore. Except Yukio. Yukio is always my exception, but I can't face him now. I don't know if I will ever be able to.

I felt something warm fall down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and put my hands on my head.. I can't look at anything right now. I don't want to see, I don't want to hear, I just want my chest to stop hurting and my eyes to stop burning. I want to cut so bad...

I felt something warm touch one of the hands on my head.

"I think I know what you want to do right now, and by all means, go ahead. I just want to tell you that it's not hurting just you, and I don't think it's worth it."

Why does my chest suddenly feel so warm? It almost feels nice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"So let me get this straight." Bon said, "You want us to do something that you, the genius, prodigal exorcist, can't handle. Something that has to do with a demon."

"Fuck you, Bon. My _brother_ is not a demon." Yukio snarled.

"He isn't, is he? Then what do you call the tail, the fangs, the ears, the nails, the fucking blue flames that shoot out of his body whenever he gets mad?" Bon baited. He hoped that Yukio would come to this realization on his own without too much help.

"Bon, that's a really mean thing to say! Don't hurt Yuki like that! Can't you see that he's already upset?" Shiemi said, wrapping her arms tighter around Yukio.

"Oh, he's hurt, is he? He's not the one being blamed for someone else's failures and other things that I can't control. Rin is his own person, he does what he wants! Don't blame me for it!" Bon shouted

"But you were the one who was supposed to be watching him!" Yukio replied.

"Wasn't that your job until just a few hours ago?"

"I was only supposed to watch him to make sure that he didn't hurt anyone else!"

"But he's your fucking brother!"

"That doesn't mean I can stop him from doing anything! I just want to try... I want to make Rin happy. After everything, I want my big brother to be happy. He's not a demon... He's my brother. I want..." Yukio trailed off.

"Don't be such a hypocrite, teach." Bon sat down on the bed opposite Yukio. "You want Rin to be happy. You blame the rest of us for not making that happen. You didn't even help him in the first place, and you aren't trying to now. If you had looked, listened, paid him enough attention, then maybe you could have-" Bon was cut off.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE THESE THINGS WHEN HE WON'T EVER SHOW IT TO ANYONE?" Yukio shouted. Bon smirked. He'd taken the bait.

"Precisely."

"What?" Yukio was just confused now.

"He won't show us anything. For some reason, he feels that he's not worthy of our help, of your help, of anyone's kindness. For some reason, he thinks he must be the ultimate evil or something, and that he deserves punishment. In his mind, he doesn't deserve us, no matter how much he wants it. Hurting him like we did probably just made him even more stubborn on that point, unfortunately. He won't show it, but he's desperate." Bon explained. "Even if we tell him he's not a demon, and he isn't, he's not just going to believe it because there is probably something convincing him otherwise."

"But then... If you don't think that Rin is a demon, then why were you calling him a demon earlier?" Yukio said angrily.

"Because I wanted to provoke you, get your brain thinking on the right track, and help you to get it all out. Or at least some of it. Both of you brothers are totally helpless, you know that? You both keep trying to protect each other, one with his martyr complex, and the other with his obsessive need to prove himself. If you just talk it out, you might get somewhere useful." Bon said.

"I... I think Bon might be right, Yuki." Shiemi commented quietly.

"You're taking his side?" Yukio glared.

Shiemi flinched. "I can only see this from the outside, and what Bon says seems to be true. Rin always tries to protect everyone, even at the cost of himself. Remember when Amaimon attacked during the camping trip? And you are always staring after him, like he's winning a race and that you need to catch up to him. You try to protect him too."

"But I just couldn't this time." Yukio sighed. It seemed that he'd calmed down.

"Yukio, don't get upset with what I'm going to say next." Bon warned.

"Why?"

"Because you've just calmed down and I don't want you to work yourself up again. Believe it or not, that could be just as unhealthy as what Rin's doing." Bon explained.

Yukio flinched, took a deep breath, and sighed. He had to listen, and he could maintain composure at least for the duration of the talk. "Okay. Let's hear it."

Bon eyed him suspiciously, but when Yukio seemed to be staying calm, he spoke. "I highly doubt that this is the first time Rin has cut himself."

Yukio looked like he'd been punched in the gut. "I-I had had my suspicions, but please, tell me why." He was barely keeping himself in control.

"A person doesn't just have plans and hiding spots like this picked out. To be as good as he is at hiding it, he should have had a good amount of time to practice. To be honest, if we tried, I don't think we could find all of his instruments of self harm if we searched your room, and other places he frequents, for days. He's good at it. He knows what people will see, he knows what people will look for, and if this was his first time, then there's no doubt you would have noticed something a month ago when all of this probably started."

Yukio had to let out the breath he'd been holding in. It made perfect sense. Rin seemed to know where he'd be, how long he'd be gone, how much time he could spend alone in any one place without being followed or checked up on. Rin knew that he'd notice him carrying bloody knives, or fooling around with scissors, paper clips, and pop tabs. He knew that there were certain objects that Yukio wouldn't suspect, and Yukio knew that he still wouldn't think of them unless Rin pulled them out and shoved the bloodied objects in his face.

There was no way that this all started a month ago. Maybe it had died down for a bit and he'd picked that habit up again a month ago, but there was no way that this had started just then.

"You're right." Yukio said without any emotion. "I'm a fool, and I haven't paid enough attention to my brother. He's been doing this for a long time. I just didn't notice."

"You agree? That easily?" Bon looked skeptical, but the look on Yukio's face convinced him otherwise.

"Yes. You're right. There is absolutely no way that this past month was his first time."

"So does that mean you have an idea about when this first time might have been? What might have caused it?" Bon asked.

"I don't know if I can pinpoint a specific time, but I might be able to guess a reason." Yukio replied

"What is it?" Shiemi asked.

"Rin's business." Yukio replied.

"It's all of our business now, four-eyes. If nothing else, we can at least try to prevent triggering another episode like this by knowing what's going on." Bon insisted.

"I think it has something to do with his time in elementary school. He never had friends. Not a single one. He got mad easily, violent, and he was incredibly strong. He once destroyed an entire classroom in only a couple of minutes because a kid called him a demon..." Yukio trailed off, coming to a realization.

Bon had the same epiphany. "Because he was called a demon, treated like a demon, essentially told that he wasn't worth anything in anyone's eyes. That's almost the same as being told to just go die." Bon said sadly.

"And I said that to him once, just after he became a demon." Yukio reflected sadly.

"Yukio, don't go there. You do not start thinking down there." Bon warned.

"The teachers treated him horribly, neighbours and other people around town said and did terrible things to him, all of us at the monastery even scolded him for trying to do the right thing sometimes. It didn't matter that he was trying to help people, because they all saw a violent punk with ridiculous strength, and a large capacity for destruction. If anything happened, he was blamed, eve if it wasn't his fault. If I had to take a guess, I would say that he might have started around nine or ten years old. Old enough for the words to stick and wreak havoc in his mind, young enough to be impulsive, not that he still isn't, and old enough to consider doing something about it. It didn't help that the name 'Demon' followed him everywhere. On the streets, through school, job interviews, for all I know."

"And when we started treating him like a demon again... He just broke?" Bon finished uncertainly.

Yukio started to cry.

* * *

"Maybe you don't think it's worth it, but I do. It can only hurt me because I'm the only one who might give a damn about me." I stated in between harsh breaths.

"If that's the way you want to think, then tell me, why am I here right now if I don't give at least a little bit of a damn about you, huh? Why am I in here trying to comfort you?" Izumo asked.

"Because Yukio asked you to." I replied. It was the only reason. Yukio is the golden child, the genius, the prodigy. People love Yukio. People will do anything for Yukio, and I'm no exception.

"Or because I know what it feels like and I want to help you. Believe it or not, Yukio didn't ask me to come up here. I was exploring, saw Bon running away, and figured you could use some company. If Bon looked upset, I could only imagine how bad off you were." She rebutted.

"But you don't know how it feels." I said.

"I just told you my story. Is yours that much different?" Izumo asked.

"YES! YES IT IS! YOU CAN'T EVER UNDERSTAND!" I shouted, letting tears fall freely now. I knew I was crying, but whatever. It's not like anyone fucking cares. It's not like they won't mock the shit out of me later or ignore me again. They've done it before. It won't be any different from how it used to be. Life doesn't change. It only gets worse.

"Really? Then explain it to me. Try me. Make me understand. If I'm too stupid, or too ignorant, then throw the information at my head and keep pushing it in there until it sticks!" Izumo said harshly.

"And why would you want to know?"

"Because I do give a damn, whatever you think. And if you don't want to believe that, then we'll just call it a trade. My story for yours. Fair trade, equivalent exchange, one tale for another." Izumo replied.

"Fucking logical arguments." I mumbled. "All my life I've been called a demon. I hurt my father, destroyed school property, hurt people by accident, and all around acted like a demon. I can't even help someone properly without messing something up. I'll always be a demon in the eyes of the world.

"I got depressed. My grades fell. People started ratting on me about that too. Now I was a demon and a dunce. I knew I could do the work, I just couldn't make myself do it. I had no energy, no motivation, so I did what I could to get by.

"One day, I punched a guy hard enough to scrape my knuckles. He was beating a puppy with a stick, so I decided to beat his face. I think I was nine. Not terribly great logic. Anyways, when I saw my hand bleeding, it didn't even really hurt. It was felt kind of cool, a little calm. I could at least start thinking straight. I told the kid to run away, then took the puppy to a shelter. They assumed that I had done the damage, and screamed at me to leave. I couldn't argue. I had a reputation, and my hand was bleeding.

"That's when I thought about self harming the first time. I found a sharp rock on the side of the road and dragged it across my arm. It bled and I felt calm. Since I was the cook for the monastery, I tried it again with a kitchen knife. It felt really nice. It barely hurt, and I liked the look of my blood. I figured that I deserved the name demon after that. Who enjoys the sight of blood, but a demon? Or even a vicious animal. Either way, I was no human. Just an animal or a demon.

"Soon after that, I thought about cleanup and evidence. With a kitchen knife, I could just wash the knife in the dishwater, clean the blood off my skin the same way, and roll down my sleeves to cover the wound. That wasn't hard, but the kitchen wasn't exactly private all the time. I needed to find other ways. I found razor blades, bits of plastic, mirrors, glass, rocks, scissors, pop tabs, paper clips, pins, art and craft supplies, basically anything semi-sharp or more. I could even use paper if I was desperate. The smaller the better too. It made it easier to hide. If anyone tried, I doubt they'd find all of my tools after days of searching. I have too many, and I have too many years of practice hiding them. There is no way to keep me from anything sharp. If all else fails, I still have my nails and teeth.

"That all lasted for six years. Anytime they hurt me, I'd cut. If I felt guilty about Yukio, I cut. If I wanted to, I cut. It didn't really matter why or how, where or how big.

"Then, I actually became a demon. I pulled out the sword, I was told I'd need to die or be killed, but I joined the exorcist school instead. I was a demon, and for the first time, while I was here, I was treated like a human. People liked me, I thought. I felt happy, I think. I have a hard time remembering that feeling. I didn't even really feel the need to cut during that time. Then again, I was only treated like a human because you all thought that I was a human. I'm a demon, and son of the worst of them all. And I can't get away with it because I'm not like Yukio. I'm not a prodigy, I'm not a genius, I can barely pass any of the classes! But you all treated me like I was human. Even though I was a demon, I was treated like a human, the opposite of before, a human being treated like a demon. Then when you all found out, it's not like it made me any different. I was a demon again, and that's all anyone ever sees. I'm violent, hateful, and can't be trusted not to kill everyone around me. I've worked hard, I can mostly control my flames now, and none of it makes a damn difference.

"In then end, being ignored is all I'm good for. If I'm being ignored, I might as well not exist. But suicide isn't that easy when you're a demon. The damn body heals too fast, and most of my self harm scars don't even stay because they aren't deep enough. I have no choice. I keep living this fucking hell forever, and I don't even have the option of dying. Karma, I guess. I was born bad, so I'm to be treated bad. It all makes sense, doesn't it?" I smirked. "It's just the way it is."

I put my head back in between my knees and kept crying. Then I noticed a small warmth on my shoulder. How long had that been there? I didn't notice when it was put there. Is that Eyebrows trying to make me feel better? Or show me that we have some sort of connection or something? I don't know. All I know is that all this fucking hurts. I shouldn't have said anything. Now she can blackmail me and hurt me more. I don't know why I just said everything I did. I could have stopped after saying I was picked on a lot and that it made me feel bad. Why did I keep talking? And why does the pain feel like a dull ache now, instead of a heavy pressure? I don't know! I'm just so confused. I'm tired and my head hurts and I hate this! I can't think straight anymore and I really want to cut right now. It would straighten my head, just like it always does. But I'm not the only one in this room, and I'm really tired. I think I'm just going to sleep.

With that, I fell down against my pillow, leftover tears making a small wet patch on the cloth. If I had been awake and looked up, I might have seen a puffy-eyed Izumo put a spare blanket over me and I might have heard her whisper to me.

"Thanks for telling me. You sounded like you really needed to talk. I hope that it makes you feel better tomorrow. Sleep well, my friend."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Yukio choked back a few sobs before he began to speak. "Why didn't he just tell me? I wish he'd known that I-I cared about him. He-he doesn't have to be alone. I'll always be there for him, always. I need to fix this. I need him to try to trust me. I swore to our father, a long time ago, that I'd protect him when I became an exorcist. I've been an exorcist for two whole years and that hasn't fucking gotten me anywhere near being able to protect him!"

"Yuki! I've never heard you swear before." Shiemi exclaimed. She was a little shocked at her friend's behaviour.

"Well, I'm frustrated! I'm tired! I'm useless! I can't even help right now! What's a fucking curse or two? It's not going to do or mean shit in the future!" Yukio yelled.

"All right, calm down Teach. You're right, you're tired. It's getting late out and we all have school tomorrow. You've got your high school advanced classes, then you've gotta deal with teaching us newbies tomorrow. It's not going to turn out so well if you don't get your sleep. Why don't you rest up. I bet you'll feel better in the morning." Bon said, hoping to calm the irrational teenager in front of him.

"I can't just go to sleep! My brother's in this building, hurting, and I can't do anything but sit here and worry! And now you expect me to sleep?" Yukio stared at Bon accusingly.

"Yes. How can you help your brother if you're so wound up like this? Your frustration and tension is only going to make him feel worse. Just lie down and rest. When you've got some of your thinking power back, it'll be much more manageable."

"You're saying that I can't think straight right now?"

Bon knew he had to be brutally honest. "Yes. Sleep, now. Or would you rather I knock ya unconscious, y'moron!"

Yukio sighed in defeat. He knew that Bon was right. The rational part of his brain was telling him to do exactly that, but the emotional part didn't want to let him rest when he could be trying to do something. When it came down to sleep or a knock on the head, he knew he had only one choice. "Fine. Shiemi, I'll open a door for you to get back to the supply shop. Bon, please take good care of my brother. Also, let Izumo know she can take any room if she hasn't gone back yet. The dorms are a bit of a walk, and she may not want to go at night. I need to get changed, then I'll go to bed. I guess I'll see you two tomorrow morning, then."

"Glad to hear it, Teach. I'm gonna go back to Rin. You sleep well, y'hear?" Bon said.

"Yeah, got it."

Bon walked out of the room and Yukio took out his keys. He unlocked the door for Shiemi, and went to say his goodbyes when she suddenly wrapped her arms around his back in a strong hug.

"Please sleep well, Yuki. I know it's hard for you, but it's hard for Rin too. Remember that he's probably suffering even more right now, and that you're doing what's best. Even if you don't think so, remember that you're strong, and that you're doing everything right. Rin will come around and appreciate it all in the end. Just give it a little time. Please don't worry yourself too much. I don't want to see you end up hurting like that too." Shiemi said. It was probably the longest speech she'd given in her life.

"Thanks, Shiemi. I may not be as strong as you think, but I greatly appreciate the sentiment. Don't worry about me. I'll just tidy up, then go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow at the cram school." Yukio smiled.

"Okay. Good night Yuki."

"Good night, Shiemi."

Yukio closed the door and let the smile drop from his face. There was no point in worrying her even more. If putting up a smile is all it took to make her feel a little better, then he could do it, no problem.

He wondered if this was what Rin was thinking the whole time. If this is what he had been doing this whole time.

Yukio wandered over to the bathroom where he now kept his toiletries and shower supplies. He picked up his own razor and stared at it. He'd never actually needed it before, he was still too young, but he'd purchased it so that, when the time did come, he'd be prepared. It also made him feel just a little more mature.

He considered what might have been going through Rin's mind every time that he cut. Did he feel hopeless? Worthless? Like he couldn't do anything right? That no one trusted him? That he needed to do something, anything, to make himself feel slightly accomplished? Did he need to prove that he was still the same as everyone else? Did Rin feel just like how he feels right now? Unable to help, or do anything for fear of making the situation even worse?

Yukio placed the blade against the inside of his left forearm. He pressed in and slid it sideways. To his surprise, though it really shouldn't have been, it stung. He felt like it should have felt good, or refreshing, or maybe not like anything at all, but it hurt! Why would Rin do this if it hurt!

All he had to show for it was a very shallow pink line on his arm, only one bead of blood barely swelling up on it. How did Rin do it? His brother had made small streams so easily, and he could only make a tiny bead. It hurt, but only did that tiny amount of damage? What was going through Rin's mind? Why did he do it? It didn't make Yukio feel better at all, he only felt worse.

Yukio put a band-aid over top of the nick before changing and going to bed. He could still feel the sting of the new cut on his arm as he hoped that his thoughts wouldn't prevent him from getting too little sleep.

* * *

As Bon approached room 602, he heard muffled talking noises. It sounded like Rin. He hoped that Izumo hadn't picked a fight with him or something. It would be just like her to start something unnecessary like that. Even at a time like this.

As he got closer, he could actually hear the words. It wasn't shouting, but it also wasn't quite mumling either. Just quiet, and fairly calm, talking.

"-suicide isn't that easy when you're a demon. The damn body heals too fast, and most of my self harm scars don't even stay because they aren't deep enough. I have no choice. I keep living this fucking hell forever, and I don't even have the option of dying. Karma, I guess. I was born bad, so I'm to be treated bad. It all makes sense, doesn't it? It's just the way it is."

Bon instantly felt guilty, remembering what they'd done to him. He'd have to talk some sense into the idiot tomorrow morning. There was some shuffling from the other side of the door, and he heard a little bit of walking. It sounded light, so he assumed that it was Izumo. He heard her whisper something, then walk across the room again. Bon took this opportunity to see if he could go back inside. He shouldn't make the girl stay any longer than she has to, especially when she didn't really care that much in the first place. He knocked lightly on the door, waited a few seconds, then opened it slowly and walked inside.

"Hey, I was-" He was cut off by a glare from Izumo, who held a finger to her lips, then pointed at Rin's sleeping figure.

"Oh, sorry." He whispered, and looked towards the floor. "I was just coming back to tell you that I can take over the watch. You know, since I kind of moved in here and all. And Yukio told me to tell you that if it's too late for you to walk home, you can use any room you like in the dormitory. If you want to walk back instead, then I guess that's your choice." He then looked up to see her face. "Hey, what happened to your eyes? Did Okumura say something to you?" Then he looked around and spotted the fallen blade on the floor. Rin had forgotten to put it away. "And what about-"

"Let's go outside." Izumo whispered harshly. She grabbed Bon's arm and dragged him out the door. She didn't let him go until they were a few rooms away, far enough to speak without being accidentally overheard, or accidentally loud enough to wake Rin.

"If you really wanna know, yes, Rin did say something. And before you get all up in his face about it, no, it wasn't mean or harsh or cruel or anything. I was crying because it was really sad, that's all. I cried because it hurt, and you could hear how much it hurt him. Also, before you ask, there is no way in _hell_ I'd ever repeat a word of it to you or anyone else without his consent. You've gotta get him to trust you on your own. It's not too tough, you know? Just listen to him." Izumo stated, a little harshly.

"Wait, what? He actually broke down and confessed to you? To _you_ of all people? After you said that you didn't care?" Bon asked with disbelief.

"What exactly do you mean by 'me of all people?'" Izumo asked, glaring at him.

"Well, you aren't exactly the compassionate or motherly type. Most of the time you're just so cold. You treat everyone like they can't touch you or anything. You keep everyone away except Paku. I don't understand why he'd open up to-to that." Bon stated.

"Well, it looks like you're finally starting to learn." Izumo smirked.

"Learn? Learn what?" Bon asked. Could girls be _any_ more vague and confusing?

"That you don't understand. Just accept that, and listen, and maybe you'll get somewhere. I can't say for him, but if I was in his shoes, that's probably all it would take." Izumo said.

"Yeah, because you have _so_ much experience." Bon said sarcastically.

Izumo glared and looked like she was about to shout at him, but calmed herself down. It didn't go unnoticed by Bon. "You're right. I'm just speaking figuratively, I guess." she said in a dull, flat voice. "But remember that _I'm_ the only one he's opened up to at all!" she almost shouted at him.

"Okay, okay" Bon put up his hands in defense. "I didn't know the whole story before I said that, and that wasn't fair. I'm sorry."

"What whole story?" Izumo eyed him suspiciously.

"Nothing. You don't have to say. And why was there a razor blade on the floor near his bed? It had a little blood on it. Did you let him cut himself too?" Bon changed the subject.

"No, he didn't do anything while I was there. When I walked in, he tried to hide it and just grabbed it up without thinking. He nicked his palm. Then I told him to clean up and put it away. We started talking, and I guess he got distracted and let it fall to the floor. We'd just finished when you walked in." Izumo explained.

"Okay. So I should probably chuck the thing when I get back to the room. I don't want him using anything at all to hurt himself like that. One less tool will just make it at least a little bit harder for him." Bon said.

"Wrong. That won't help at all, trust me. You'll only make your relationship, and this situation, worse if you do that. To help him, he's gotta throw it away on his own." she said.

"And you're the expert now?" Bon asked.

"I got him to trust me." she replied.

"And what does this have to do with anything?" he fired back.

"Because he told you, and all of us, that he only had one condition. Don't make him stop. Throwing it away is the same as telling him to stop. Actions can speak for words. If you toss it, it's like saying you don't trust him to be responsible, whether it's responsible to not kill himself, to not cut, or to toss it, it doesn't matter. I say you should just pick it up, wipe it off if you feel like it, and leave it on his desk. He'll find it, he'll know you've seen it, and he'll know that you know what he wants to do. You can't stop him anyways, and knowing what he's doing, and trusting him with his tool, might just help him to trust you a little too. It shows that you respect his decisions, even if you don't like them. You can at least understand that he does what he does because he feels that he needs to. Trust and respect are mutual. Since you're the one asking for it, you're the one who has to give it first." she explained.

"You know, it really does sound like you're speaking from personal experience." Bon said, looking towards her with a concerned gaze.

"As if. Do I look like that type of person to you?" Izumo asked.

"Yeah, kinda. Most people put up a tough front because they've got something painful to hide. Just like what you're doing right now." he stated.

"Yeah? What about you then? You speaking from personal experience too?" Izumo scoffed.

"Actually, yeah, I am. That's how I know." he said.

"Then you know how I know too. Don't spread it around. And I'm walking back. See you tomorrow in class." she said as she turned on her heel and walked towards the front entrance to the dormitory.

All Bon could think was 'wow.' He didn't think that she'd actually admit to something like that. She wears short sleeves and skirts all the time, so she's not a cutter, but how could she understand what Okumura feels if she isn't? He could understand her tough front, because he does it too, but he couldn't figure out why should could understand Okumura. How would she know what the right actions were if she hadn't been there herself? Or maybe one of her friends? But that just leaves Paku, and there's not way Paku could do that. So what happened to that girl...?

Bon pondered all of this while he walked back to what was previously the twins' room. He knew that he wouldn't find out today, or tomorrow, or possibly ever. It was easy to accept that. Izumo just wasn't the type to talk about such things.

If that was so easy to accept, then why can't he accept that Rin will probably not say anything either? He doesn't talk about these things either, he just acts all outgoing and all that to make it look like he does. Maybe that makes it harder? But Bon knew that he had to accept the fact that he probably wouldn't get anything anytime soon. If he did, maybe it would help Okumura, just a little. If that's all it took, then that's something he could do. Just follow Izumo's advice. Shut up, and listen. Give him trust first, so he can later get trust back.

Bon picked up the fallen blade, wiped it with a tissue, then placed it on Rin's desk. He figured the sleeping teen could figure out what to do with it in the morning. Until then, he had to sleep too. Bon changed, set his alarm clock, and went to bed. Tomorrow would be a real trial. Today was Day 0, tomorrow would be Day 1. The first day with Rin's secret out in the open to all of them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Oh crap! I forgot to make lunches for Yukio and me last night! Crap crap crapcrapcrapshit. What time is it? Good, it's only about 4:30. I still have plenty of time to prepare a couple of bentos. I'd better get going and do that.

I got up quickly and made my way to the kitchen. Luckily enough, the fridge still had the extra ingredients, as well as some extra pre-prepared rice I'd made just in case something like this ever happened. Who says I don't use my head? I can think far enough ahead to know that I'll forget this stuff sometimes. And if I go the week without forgetting, then I can sleep in a little bit on Fridays. Don't want all that going bad just because I have a good memory. Now lets see, what do I want to eat today? Hmm...

Oh yeah, Bon is staying here too. Does that mean I should make him lunch too? I guess so, it'd be a nice thing to do. He's a scholarship student just like Yukio, so I guess he doesn't have the money to buy something from Mephisto's cafeteria of instant debt. Maybe if I make him a decent lunch, he'll start to learn that I'm a person, just like he is. Maybe then, he might acknowledge me, he might notice that I exist and might even be worth a grunt or a nod or something? Maybe. I can always hope, right? Hope that maybe I can be seen in a way that doesn't involve harsh stares and glares, insults and condescending behaviour. Just because I'm part demon, it doesn't mean that I'm not part human too.

Or maybe it does. Maybe the demon part just destroyed what was human about me to begin with, although I don't suppose that there would have been too much to destroy. Even as a child, people knew that I was a demon. I've always been a demon, and now I've got the power to prove it. I really hate myself...

I want to cut. Really, really bad. Right now.

And look at my hand. It's got a nice big knife in it. I know I usually avoid kitchen utensils, but no one's gonna bother me here at 4:30am. Bon's asleep, and Yukio's asleep on the other side of the dorm. I should really take advantage of this opportunity. I can't believe they haven't hidden or locked up the kitchen knives yet. Maybe they just forgot? In any case, I bet this thing could do a lot of damage.

Just one more look around to make sure that I'm alone... Good. I don't hear anyone either. Just lower my pants a little – I guess I forgot to change into pyjamas last night – and move my boxers over a little, and a perfect patch of skin to mark. I just have to press and slice, just like cutting up meat on a cutting board.

Well, a body, whether it be human, demon, or animal, is just meat after all. Is it sick to think of it like that? I can butcher myself the same way that I butcher the meat that I put in our lunches. That thought makes me smile a little. Maybe I am just a bit sick in the head. Demon sandwich, demon sushi, demon stir-fry. Maybe it doesn't sound so appetizing, but neither does cow sandwich, fish sushi, and pig stir-fry. Well, maybe fish sushi sounds okay, but that's an exception. Even after it's been turned into food, fish is still called fish, like chicken is still called chicken.

Why did I get so distracted? They could wake up any time! And Kuro could wander across me by accident! Why haven't I thought of Kuro before? He surely smelled the blood on me all this past month. Maybe he doesn't really care about me either? Or was he trying to be respectful? No, he probably hates me just like the rest of them. Not because I'm a demon, but because I killed dad. I killed his master, and he really loved dad a lot. It's all my fault. Completely my fault. I just have to...

A few slices later, I can breathe. I hadn't even noticed that the air had become too thick to swallow. I didn't feel that pressure until after its release just now. But now I just feel so light. Sure, I'm bleeding and the blood is staining my boxers and pants, but I just can't bring myself to care right now. I'm so disconnected, so different, it hardly feels real. I barely feel the cuts, though I know that they're pretty deep. I guess they'll probably scar. I am kind of a chef. I know how to slice meat properly. Of course I'll always do a first-rate job. It's no good if I don't.

Why can't I feel anything? I don't know. I don't know if I care. I don't know if it really matters, to be honest. I don't care. That doesn't matter. I just need to make lunches. Three full bentos. One for Yukio, one for Bon, and one for me. Three lunches. I'm glad I have lots of extra rice.

After making the food, I just went back to bed, only to be woken by a hand roughly shaking my shoulder. At least I'd remembered to change my clothes. There wouldn't be any blood for Bon to see this time. But I felt really groggy. I didn't want him bothering me this early in the morning.

* * *

"Get up, ya lazy ass! It's almost 8:30! Class starts in just over half an hour! Even if you don't care about high school, you've still gotta go. Wake up, you moron!"

"Sleep. Tired. Lunchfridge. Mmmmm." I moaned, and fell back into my pillow.

"What the heck are you mumbling, get up, or I'm pulling you up." Bon threatened. I didn't think he was serious until I felt him grab my arms and pull me out of my bed and onto the floor. Damn, the floor's cold.

"You suck. Go to hell. I hope they condemn you to an eternity of insomnia on an iceberg, because that's just what this feels like." I muttered. I don't know if he heard me or not. I know it wasn't really that bad, but I didn't want to think that much this early in the morning.

"Well, get ready. It's a decent walk to the school, and we've gotta get going in like, the next ten minutes or we're going to be late! Hurry up!" Bon said, a little anxiously. Did he really get nervous just at the thought of being late?

Or maybe it's the stress of dealing with me. I sighed. Of course, I'm always the problem. Always have been, always will be.

At least my bag was already prepared. I didn't unpack it, so it should be good. I rarely do homework anyways, so incomplete work shouldn't be any more of a problem than normal. Just uniform and lunch. I guess I could do that much.

I changed into my spare uniform since the usual one kind of has blood stains on it, then made my way to the kitchen. I don't need breakfast. I'm not all that hungry right now anyways. I just need to get the lunches so that we can leave, and so that Bon might be able to calm down.

After retrieving the lunches, I went back to the room, and gave Bon his box. He seemed a little surprised.

"I forgot to make it last night, so I got up early to prepare lunches for Yukio and me. I figured that, since you're staying with us, I should make you one too. Don't worry, it's not poisoned or anything. I don't keep stuff like that in the kitchen. It would make the food taste bad." I explained. Maybe I was talking a little more than I should, but it felt kind of nice just to say something to another person, even if it's just meaningless crap like how or when I made a lunchbox.

"Uh, thanks. I didn't expect this. That's pretty nice. Thanks, Okumura." He said.

"No problem. Preparing three is hardly different from preparing two." I said, then walked over to my desk where I'd left my bag. I put my lunch inside, and did up the zippers, then I noticed what was sitting on top of my desk. My razor. Clean. Not where it's supposed to be. Did Bon notice it? I hope not. He'll probably just take it if he did, but then why is it clean? Why is it not where I put it? Where did I put it yesterday? I grabbed it, it cut me, Izumo told me to put it away, then we talked and... I guess I dropped it. It was on the floor and then he must have seen it and...

"Did you-?" I was about to ask.

"Yeah. I cleaned it and put it there. It's yours, so you should decide what to do with it. I'm not big on stealing or damaging other people's stuff." he replied. I guess he noticed me noticing it and inferred what I was going to ask.

"Uh, thanks., I guess. I'll have to put it away later then." I said to the floor. I felt so bad. Guilt just wormed it's way into my stomach. It crawled through my intestines, went through my stomach, and landed itself in my throat. I felt like puking. He actually didn't chuck it even though he knows what I use it for?

I know that he knows what I want to do, so why is it still here? Is he trying to listen to what I said? Is he trying to show me he trusts me or something? I don't know what to think. Is he just trying to lull me into some sort of false sense of security? Or maybe he's learning? No, he's not that smart. He's just a stupid rooster. He doesn't get it, and he won't ever try. I know it.

But Izumo did.

Well, she's different. She's on my level, or at least, she was. She gets it. It's not the same, but she gets it. He never will.

But would it kill me to try to let him see a little?

In short, yes. Yes it would. I'd rather die than let him see even a little of the reasons why I do what I do. Whatever I do is none of his business, and I'm not his problem. He doesn't care anyways, so why should I give a damn. But if he's really trying to be nice... I don't know what to think, and that makes me feel sick.

"Okumura? You okay? Rin? Oi, you hear me in there?" Bon was waving his hand in front of my face like he was trying to get my attention. Did I really space out that much? I guess so.

"What is it?" I said, looking up towards him. I couldn't quite make myself look at his face.

"You look pretty pale. You feeling okay? If you want, we can just take the day off, I mean, you kinda look like crap right now." he said.

No matter how badly I might want to stay, I can't. It would mean one-on-one time with him, and I really don't want to deal with that. It's either talk, or fake sleep, where I will be left all alone at the mercy of my brain. Just thinking can sometimes be a torture. Thinking. It's a dangerous pasttime.

"Nah, I'm fine. Let's just go." I said, looking back at the floor. I led him out. No need to lock the door, it's just the three of us here.

"Bullshit." I heard him mutter to himself, but he got up and followed me anyways. I guess he really is trying to play by my rules, at least for now. A little hope starts to unfold inside my guts, but it's quickly replaced by that sick feeling. Guilt and confusion, swirling around and wreaking havoc on my organs, messing up my system.

"See you in cram school. I hope you like the lunch." I said as we split up.

"Yeah, see ya. And thanks again, by the way." he replied.

My stomach just hurt more. It had been so long since anyone had acknowledged me kindly, much less said thanks for something. I want to feel good about it, I really want to! But I can't. It just hurts, knowing that it won't last. He probably doesn't even mean it. I want to believe what I hear, but I can't.

I send a bit of my flames to the pointer finger on my right hand. The nail immediately grows long and sharp. I draw a shallow line all the way along the top of my left arm, elbow to hand. Beads swell up all along the arm, but I don't have to worry. It'll heal up in less than an hour. Our jackets are black, so I don't have to worry about people seeing a stain. And now I can think. I can hardly feel anything, but that's okay. I like it this way. If I don't feel, then I'm not distracted. I don't need to worry, because I can't. I just have to go to class, pretend that I'm normal, and hope that no one tries to talk to me. I just want to be alone.

Only six hours until cram school. Six hours to dread, and six hours to get myself to feel as shitty as possible. They all know. This is really going to suck. Just great. Six hours. The countdown has begun, and I wish that time would start moving just a little bit slower.

* * *

Cookies to anyone who gets the Disney reference =)


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I'm in luck. It was all independent work in each and every one of my classes today. The sun is out, so I was able eat lunch wherever I felt like on campus, and was able to find a great spot to avoid anyone I wished to avoid, and no one had bothered to try to talk to me. This is great. I was completely and totally in my comfort zone. Nothing could go wrong.

So then why is it that I feel so lonely? Why do I want to tear my body to shreds just to make the feeling go away? I guess those questions are ones that I'll have to find answers to someday. On my own. Just like always. The only way that I know how.

At least I know that I won't be bothering others if I'm on my own. I won't drag them down with me, and I won't be able to hurt them. They'll be safe from me. More importantly, I'll be safe from them. There's no telling when any one of them could suddenly turn and start screaming "Demon!" at me. Then I'll hurt, I'll cut, and I'll continue with my life, knowing that one more person hates me for something beyond my control. However, it is my body, so I should be able to control it, right? My body should reflect me, right? Then I'm a demon, through and through. And that won't ever change.

All I can do is hurt people and depress myself. Nothing productive. I don't have any skills, just dumb luck. And that's not even consistent enough to count for anything. I'm just a loser. A demon, a freak, and a loser. And that will never change.

To survive for now, I've just gotta mindlessly take notes. Write it down, don't pay attention, maybe read it later, probably lose it before I read it, get a crappy mark, that's the way it goes. I don't give a damn about high school. The bell will ring any minute and th-

_RING!_

Time for the cram school.

Crap.

I'd totally forgotten that Bon and Yukio and all the others are going to be there. And they'll see me. And we'll be in in class together. And this time, they'll all know.

_Shit. Fuck. Damnit!_

The knot in my stomach a lot larger very quickly. I want to run, to scream, to flee. But I can't. I know that I need to go to become an exorcist. I still want to kick the shit out of Satan, so I need to learn how to do it properly. I know I'm gonna need a little more than dumb luck to kick Satan's ass, so why can't I stop feeling so fucking afraid of going to class?

I'm pathetic, I know. I just clenched my fists, and made my way to the door that I usually use to get to the cram school. I just turn the key in the door, and now all I have to do it push... it... open...? Damn it! Onetwothreepush! And then into the room. Into the room where they're all going to stare at me, maybe pity, maybe hate, and they'll think about it. They'll all know. Every single one of them. But... Takara wasn't there. Neither was Shura. I really hope I have private lessons today.

Now I've gotta calm down. No hyperventilating, no tension, just act calm, act happy. It doesn't matter what I feel, they don't care, just show them all what they want to see and they'll look over it like nothing's wrong, just like always. Everything will go back to normal. I can deal with normal. Okay. I can do this.

I walked into the room, standing straight, and keeping my eyes off the floor... as best as I could. I didn't stare at my feet, just a few feet ahead of them. Quietly, I walked to my desk and sat down next to Shiemi. I had to do this just like normal. Nothing was different. It was all the same as it always has been. Except now they know...

"Hello Rin!" said Shiemi. She looked happy to see me for some reason. "How are you doing today?"

"Hi... Shiemi. I'm fine, I guess. How are you doing?" I asked. Be polite. Be nice. She can't have anything against me if I'm being nice, right?

"That's great to hear." she said. Then we just sat next to each other in an awkward silence. I could feel the brief stares on my back from the Kyoto group and from Izumo. They didn't last long, and they didn't all do it at once, but I could tell that they were staring, watching.

After only a couple of minutes, Yukio walked into the room. He looked around at us, and dropped his teaching materials on the floor. At least there wasn't any rotten animal blood this time, just papers. He isn't usually this clumsy. I wonder what happened? Maybe it was just a moment of clumsiness? Nah, Yukio is never clumsy. Maybe he's just tired or something. And there's something that smells a little off about him... Off, but it's so familiar...

"Okumura-kun." Yukio stated.

"Y-Yes Yukio-sensei." I said. Damn. I screwed up.

"You'll be having special lessons with Miss Kirigakure today. She said that she'll meet you at your usual training spot." he said. He still sounded cold, but his eyes looked hurt.

"Thank you, teacher." I bowed and headed out. Yes! Private training. This means one more day where I don't have to face them. Whoever says that procrastination is a bad thing, I say it's a good thing. It's comfortable, and I rather like it.

I wandered over to the target practice/baseball cage room. I dunno what it's supposed to be called, but it's the place we do the training most often. I see Shura there, and she's already set up several sets of candles. She still has that giant bagful of them too. Does that thing ever run out of candles? Or is it like and infinite supply bag? I thought exorcists couldn't do magic though...

Stop. Being. Distracted! I need to sit down and focus and just get this training done.

No words were needed, no instructions. I just sat down in front of the first set like I was meditating of something. Now I'll focus on the candles. Focus on the candles, and now let them _burn._

All three burst into foot-and-a-half high blue flames. I jumped. Fuck. I forgot that I can't just think of candles and burning. That lights all three with whatever amount of fire I'm commanding. Shit. I learned how to stop doing that the first day. What's wrong with me?

"Oi, Rin. Focus. Don't tell me ya forgot everything ya've learned so far. I know yer a moron sometimes, but ya never work backwards like this." Shura commented.

"I know. I just lost my focus. I'll try again."

"Ya better. How else are ya gonna master yer flames?"

I turned to the next set. Okay left and right candles. One inch tall flames. _Burn._

And now the bases of the outside candles are melting. I can't get this!

The third set. Left and right candles. One inch flames. A little higher. _Burn._

And nothing happened. Why wasn't anything happening? I stared at the candles. They didn't seem to be doing anything at all. I leaned in a little to see if I could spot something wrong, and suddenly my face felt like it was burning. I screamed.

"Oi, Rin. Stop screaming." Shura threw a bucket of cold water in my face, then helped me remove the stuff that was burning my face. It was just candle wax. What the hell...

"I've never seen ya do that one before. Here, place these wet cloths on yer face until the burning starts to go away. Dip them in this bucket if they start to go dry. I can't believe ya made the candles explode!" She seemed far too amused, but I did fail. She has a right to laugh at me.

"Sorry..." I apologized. I wanted to cry. Nothing that I tried had worked. It probably wasn't going to, ever. I'm not that smart. I'm not that powerful. I can't just make those flames obey me. I'm not nearly strong enough, smart enough, good enough...

"Hey, don't worry too much. Just try again when yer ready, okay?" Shura is being way too nice right now. I looked up at her, my eyes (hopefully) questioning her.

"Ya look like shit. It's no wonder ya can't concentrate, ya dumbass. Why didn't ya just stay home today?" she asked. Is she really concerned? Maybe. She doesn't know yet, so maybe it is genuine concern...? I feel a slight hope fill my chest, and a smile traces my lips.

"I'm okay. Just tired, you know? Yukio's a slave driver with that homework." I closed my eyes and let out a chuckle, allowing a grin to appear on my face. Let her think everything's still normal. She doesn't need to know.

Just then, I heard a couple of footsteps and felt a hand press down on my hair. "Ya know, it's okay to admit yer hurting. Don't give into it though, that's the stuff that demons feed on, and I know yer better than that. But, if ya ever need to vent, ya've got a lot of good people who're gonna help. Me too, ya know." The hand ruffled my hair a bit. I felt a sharp sting through my chest. I don't even remember the last time someone gave me some sort of comforting gesture like that. "If ya can't focus 'cause ya've got something on yer mind, just let it out. Ya won't get any better otherwise." she said.

"Thanks Shura, but I'm fine, really." I smiled. This time, it almost felt real.

"Don't give me that crap. I know yer not fine. Don't lie about it. If ya don't wanna talk or don't wanna tell me, that's fine. No more lying though, got it?" Shura said, staring intently at me.

"Yeah, got it. Just have a lot on my mind is all. I think I need a small break. I'll be back in ten, and finish training." I said. I stood up, stretched, and left the room. A few laps of the hallways will hopefully be enough to clear my head a little bit.

"I hope that's all..." I heard Shura mutter to herself just before I shut the door.

* * *

Cram school was due to start in five minutes or so. All of the members filed in and took their seats like normal, even Rin, surprising most of the students. Izumo, Konekomaru, and Shima had thought that he wouldn't show up today because of what had happened yesterday. After he had walked in, acting like he normally did, he sat down, like he normally did, and talk to Shiemi, like he normally did. Konekomaru and Shima couldn't figure out why he was acting like nothing had happened.

Izumo knew what was going on. She stared at his back and watched him put up his charade. She knew all about what that felt like. She knew that it hurt, she knew that it was probably tearing him up inside, it being anxiety. She knew that he'd be afraid of them. More so now than before, if he was afraid of them before. Now that they had information that he didn't want them to know, they could be more of a threat, even if they all knew that they weren't going to hurt him in any way. It was a basic human fear, really. It's a fear that all humans share. The fear of the unknown. He had no way of knowing what they were going to do with that information, and that scared him. He's scared, so he's acting in the only way that he knows how to in this situation, act like he always has. If he acts the same, then maybe we'll act the same too. It's sad, but if that's the way he's going to play it out, then that's what they'd have to go along with.

Konekomaru took a glance at him. He was scared that Okumura was in class. He figured that yesterday's incident would cause weird emotional instabilities in Okumura, and cause him to go off on all of them at the wrong moment. He was scared for all of his friends and classmates. He really didn't want Okumura here, but he had no choice. He just hoped that since Okumura was acting fairly normal, that the rest of the day would go by normally too. It wasn't that he didn't feel bad for what Okumura had gone through, or maybe was going through? It wasn't that, but he felt more concern for those he was close with than someone that he didn't really know at all. Especially now that he knew that he didn't know anything about the mystery of Okumura.

Shima looked over, and he felt kinda sad. Why was Okumura still lying to them? They all knew, so what was there to hide? Was it pride or something stupid like that? Doesn't he know that it's okay to just let down his guard, let it out, then laugh it off later? Maybe he doesn't. Maybe that's what we've done to him, beyond just causing him grief. Maybe they'd all hurt him so badly that he couldn't trust them enough to let them know when he was having a really rough day. It really was sad, now that he thought about it.

Takara played with his puppet, like he normally did.

Bon stared long and hard at his new temporary roommate. He had looked like shit this morning and he still looked like shit. Although, Bon wasn't sure if anyone else had noticed it, though. He knew that Okumura could hide his feelings and act okay so that none of them would notice unless they knew what they were looking for. That's why he could see it. Izumo too, he suspected, but he also knew that they couldn't do anything. Not while Okumura hid himself away from them. Yeah, they're all friends with him, but he doesn't think that way for some reason. Well, for a good reason. Just because they all wanted to help doesn't mean that Okumura will accept it, or even let them if they show too much effort. It's a tough situation all around. They couldn't do anything, Okumura wouldn't get better, get over it, and he wouldn't come to them for help. Friends help each other out, god damn it! That stupid moron...

Shiemi was just worried. She knew that Rin was upset. She knew that he was uncomfortable. The awkward silence only made her feel more awkward as well. She was never good at these types of things to begin with, but this just made it harder. She didn't know how to talk to Rin anymore because he just seemed so different from his usual self. Sure, he tried to act the same, but she knew that it was forced. Rin just wasn't acting like Rin anymore, and she missed him.

Yukio soon walked into the room and dropped the materials that he was carrying. He quickly gathered them up and made his way to the front of the room to the teacher's desk.

"Okumura-kun." Yukio stated.

"Y-Yes Yukio-sensei." Rin said.

"You'll be having special lessons with Miss Kirigakure today. She said that she'll meet you at your usual training spot." Yukio said.

"Thank you, teacher." Rin bowed and walked out.

After Rin had left, Yukio let out a big sigh.

"I'm sorry class, I've been very stressed as of late, and as such, have no new material prepared for today. However, most of you do need to brush up on the names of herbs and plants used in the treatment of demon-inflicted wounds. Today we will be having a review session so that you can master-" Yukio was cut off by a hand slamming on the desk.

"This is bullshit, teach. We're all in the same boat here. I know that he's your brother and all, but don't give us some lameass excuses like this. It's not fair to anyone involved. There is someone in this class who's hurting worse than all of us, and we aren't even paying attention to that. If he can suck it up, so can we. So come on, teach. Give us a real lesson." Bon stated angrily. He still felt that Yukio was being dense and self-centered. Well, he had acted similarly until he'd talked to Izumo, but he wasn't doing that anymore. Why couldn't anyone just listen to what Rin was saying?

"He's telling us everything that we need to know, we just need to listen. Maybe you can think about that after class, though?" Izumo commented. She needed to be a mediator. Normally, she wouldn't care, but if this got out of hand, it'd involve her anyways. She figured that she might as well try to calm it before it escalated.

"You're right. I apologize." Yukio said. The young exorcist briefly stared at his left arm before looking back up to the front and continuing with his lecture. "Last class we had covered..."

Yukio's tongue was moving, his mouth was forming words, but his mind was far off, completely elsewhere, and not caring about what he was doing. He didn't catch himself spilling a tear as his back was turned to the class while he drew the notes on the board. He also didn't notice the white dog that walked past the classroom as he was teaching his lesson.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"Today is a perfectly ordinary day in the fabulous country of Japan. Nothing unusual is happening, and everyday life for all, common people and exorcists, is running perfectly and smoothly, just how it should. Ah, what a wonderful day this is. For all this wonder, though, I can't help but fell a little bit bored with it all. What do you think Amaimon?" Mephisto ranted.

Amaimon, in his hamster form, just squeaked happily. He found Mephisto's hat to be a fine playground, so long as he was trapped as a rodent. And, as a rodent, he didn't really care about how the humans were doing. As a demon, he didn't really care either. There wasn't much difference.

"Right you are!" Mephisto exclaimed, as if Amaimon had answered an affirmative. "Today needs a little bit of excitement. Why don't you and I go have a look around and see what we can mess with, hm? Of course, you aren't allowed to go off and destroy my property this time. And don't do anything that could get the humans to kill each other."

As a rodent, Amaimon felt that the lecture was unnecessary. It wasn't as if he could do anything, anyways.

"Ein, zwei, drei-" _Poof!_ "You know, I almost enjoy taking this form. It makes walking around seem like so much fun! It's more enjoyable, and I can go unnoticed so easily. Oh, but the school day has just finished. That means that the only place I can go for some fun is the cram school. Now Amaimon, don't go attacking Okumura, this is class time, and you aren't even supposed to be here in Assiah anyways. At least, as far as the exorcists know..." Mephisto laughed a little in anticipation. He was very much looking forward to his walk around the cram school. He hoped to be able to find someone to mess with. Humans are the most amusing playthings, after all.

He decided to first take a peek in the Anti-demon Pharmaceuticals class. Their very special youngest exorcist was teaching the class, and he is always a fun subject to tease and play with. He took a glance into the classroom and found himself a very interesting sight. There he was, the supposed cold person that he is, letting a tear fall as he writes on the board. Well now, that's definitely something that he could make use of. Crying and, what is that, he smells a little bit off. The younger Okumura is starting to smell a little bit like his older brother, or at least, how his older brother has smelled recently. Now just what _could_ be going on? Mephisto smiled knowingly. This looks to be a very promising trip.

He wandered over towards the exorcist training area. He knew the older of the Okumura twins would be there, since he wasn't in class, and he's always an amusing subject. Really, he always says the funniest things, and it's just too easy to toy with his mind. Not to the point of being able to posses him, but it's fun just to watch his confusion. It's quite hilarious to watch.

Just as he was rounding a corner, Mephisto walked in to something. Something thin, tall and round. He let out a "Hmph" as he was knocked over by the larger object. He looked up to see that the object he had walked into was none other than the student he was looking for. Rin Okumura.

"Oh, sorry Mephisto. I wasn't looking where I was going." Rin apologized, then he began to walk away.

"Oh? Yes. I'm sure you're very sorry." Mephisto paused and let Rin take a few more steps. "Just why aren't you in class?"

Rin froze, then turned to speak to the demon. "I'm training with Shura today. I'm trying to master my flames so the Vatican won't kill me in six months."

"Oh? You _are_ now. Then why is it that you aren't in the training room, lighting your candles, hmm?" Mephisto asked.

"I just needed to clear my head." Rin replied.

"Oh, I see. That could be a problem, trying to use your powers while your mind is all fogged up by those simple human emotions of yours. Somehow, walking around helps your mind?" Mephisto asked, trying to bait the boy.

"Yeah, moving takes my mind off of stuff." Rin answered.

"Stuff? Like what? Like your brother? Didn't you notice?" Mephisto asked. Rin's shoulders tensed.

"That he smells different? It's barely there. Nothing to worry about." Rin replied. His shoulders relaxed again.

"I would say that it's nothing that you should worry about, but he's starting to smell just a teensy weensy little tiny bit like you, my boy. Is that something you should just dismiss so easily?" Mephisto purposely omitted that the smell only reminded him of Rin's recent odour.

"There's no _way_ that Yukio's becoming a demon! He'd tell me! I'm his brother, and he'd trust me with information like that!" Rin shouted.

"Oh? Who said that he was turning into a demon? I just said that he's starting to smell a little bit like you. Just one small smell on top on his usual smell, just like you. The difference between you two is, that the smell attached to you is a lot stronger." Mephisto replied ambiguously.

"I told you that Yukio is _not_ becoming a demon. He would tell me." Rin said, angry now.

"Just like you told him? Think about it, my dear boy." Mephisto said before walking away.

"Tell me what you mean, Mephisto!" Rin yelled.

"Ein, zwei, drei-" _Poof!_ "Taataa, now!" Mephisto winked as he pulled a key out of his white coat, and left the confused young exwire behind. That certainly _was_ an amusing trip. He'll have to bother his young teacher soon, the next time he gets bored. It's funny, really. The only big question left, is why do the two brothers both smell like blood?

* * *

At least Shura isn't asking about it. She's not prying, she's trying to be respectful, and you know, that actually feels kind of nice. Knowing that someone is willing to respect my business. I thought she'd be a lot worse, pushy, or something. I'm glad to know that she can be nice like that, but if she really knew, I don't know what her reaction would be.

I'm just glad that there's one person that I don't need to tell. She never has to find out. It'll be better that way.

"Hmph!"

Did I just walk into something? Oh, crap! It's Mephisto! Shit! "Oh, sorry Mephisto. I wasn't looking where I was going." I apologized. I went to walk away, but Mephisto started speaking.

"Oh? Yes. I'm sure you're very sorry." Mephisto paused and let me take a few more steps. "Just why aren't you in class?"

I froze. At least I don't have to lie about anything. I turned to speak to him. It's always polite to look at the person you're talking to. "I'm training with Shura today. I'm trying to master my flames so the Vatican won't kill me in six months."

"Oh? You _are_ now. Then why is it that you aren't in the training room, lighting your candles, hmm?" Mephisto asked.

"I just needed to clear my head." I replied. That's _none_ of his business.

"Oh, I see. That could be a problem, trying to use your powers while your mind is all fogged up by those simple human emotions of yours. Somehow, walking around helps your mind?" Mephisto asked. What the hell does he mean by "silly human emotions?" I mean, I've wished before that I didn't have to feel them, but it's not like I can help it.

"Yeah, moving takes my mind off of stuff." I answered. It's _definitely_ none of his business.

"Stuff? Like what? Like your brother? Didn't you notice?" Mephisto asked. I felt my shoulders tense. I did notice that he smelled different today, but I can't quite place it. It's a familiar smell, though.

"That he smells different? It's barely there. Nothing to worry about." I replied. My shoulders relaxed again. If it was something important, Yukio would have told me. I'm his big brother, after all.

"I would say that it's nothing that you should worry about, but he's starting to smell just a teensy weensy little tiny bit like you, my boy. Is that something you should just dismiss so easily?" Mephisto said. There's no way. Yukio can't be a demon. He didn't inherit the flames. That should be my burden, and _only_ mine! Yukio's the good one.

"There's no _way_ that Yukio's becoming a demon! He'd tell me! I'm his brother, and he'd trust me with information like that!" I shouted. That had to be a lie. Yukio is far too good a person to become a demon.

"Oh? Who said that he was turning into a demon? I just said that he's starting to smell a little bit like you. Just one small smell on top on his usual smell, just like you. The difference between you two is, that the smell attached to you is a lot stronger." Mephisto replied ambiguously.

"I told you that Yukio is _not_ becoming a demon. He would tell me." I said. Mephisto was really starting to piss me off.

"Just like you told him? Think about it, my dear boy." Mephisto said before walking away.

"Tell me what you mean, Mephisto!" I yelled.

"Ein, zwei, drei-" _Poof!_ "Taataa, now!" Mephisto winked as he pulled a key out of his white coat, and left to go to off to God knows where. Well, I suppose he would know. He's the one who made the key system, after all.

Why does he have to do stuff like that? He just pisses me off, giving complicated and ambiguous answers to everything! There's no good reason for him to do that! We're supposed to be on the same side, for fuck's sake! Hell, if I didn't know better, I'd say that he's just doing that for fun. Damn him...

I stormed back into the training room.

"Hey, it doesn't look like yer walk helped ya much." Shura commented.

"It worked I got my mind off things. But I ran into Mephisto and now he's saying things that really piss me off! He's saying that Yukio's starting to smell like me, and I _know_ there's no way that Yukio's turning into a demon. I mean, he'd tell me if he was. That jerk's just trying to piss me off!" I ranted. It felt kind of good to shout it out.

"Well, I'm not so sure that Yukio would tell ya if he was becoming a demon. That's just not the way he is, the four-eyed chicken that he is." Shura said. I won't let myself believe that. "And did Mephisto actually say _specifically_ that Yukio was becoming a demon? If he didn't, then he's probably just tryin' ta mess with yer head. And it seems that he's doing a pretty fine job." Shura leaned back in her seat, putting her hands behind her head.

"He couldn't have meant anything else! There's no other reason that Yukio would suddenly start smelling like I do. No reason that some other smell would suddenly be attached to him! I mean, he moved out of our room yesterday, and since there's no one else in the dorm, he can't smell like any other person!" I yelled. Yukio could _not_ be a demon. "The only other way for him to have a smell attached to him, if he isn't around any new people is if it's his own bl-" What was I about to say?

No way. No way in fucking hell. No way in fucking _Gehenna _either! Yukio could not smell like blood. He's not injured, and he didn't scrape himself when he tripped in class earlier. But there's no doubt about it, now that I think about it. That smell was definitely blood. I've smelled it on myself enough over the past month to realize that. I guess that means that Mephisto knows too. Fuck, that means he knows about both of us! Fuck! Fucking damnfuck!

There is no way that Yukio would ever cut himself. _Ever._ But, I guess he thought the same thing about me too. But Yukio's good. He's pure, clean, and far too smart for that. I'm the stupid one who has to rely on things like knives, rocks, plastic, and razors to keep myself in check. Yukio's way too strong for that. He would never _ever_ do that. But if he did, at least it didn't smell any worse than a paper cut. For that I'm relieved, but still, if he did try-

"Rin? Hellooo~" Shura said, waving her hand in front of my face.

"Huh?" was my smart reply.

"Yer spacing out pretty bad. What's up? You were saying that Yukio is smelling like blood now?" Shura asked.

"I-I didn't say that!" I defended.

"But you were about ta say it. Then ya started spacing out. Let it out, tell me what's up." Shura said, almost demanding.

"That's none of your business. It's no one's business. Just me and Yukio." I replied quietly, staring at the floor. I really need to break that habit.

"Wrong. It is my business. If I'm on a mission with him, I need to know what's going on with him, and that he's gonna have my back if I need it. Same for every other exorcist out there. We don't go into battle alone. We've always gotta know that our partners are gonna have our backs. Tell me now, what's up with Yukio!" Shura demanded, harshly this time.

"It's no big deal. It only smelled like a paper cut." I said.

"If that was the whole story, ya wouldn't have spaced out like that." Shura probed. She stared at me. I knew that she wouldn't stop until I gave her a satisfying answer. Unfortunately, I didn't have any good lies.

"I was just worried. What if he was... You know... sometimes when people are upset or something... they kind of... um... maybe use a sharp object and make themselves bleed?" I said nervously. I really didn't want to say cutting.

"And why would you think that first?" Shura asked. She sounded a little sad when she said that. I wonder why? Then she stood up and walked over to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and made me look up at her. "Ya know, everyone goes through hard times. We all cope with it differently. There's no such thing as the wrong way to deal with it, but some things are generally healthier for ya than others." Shura stood up and stretched her arms above her head.

"Go home, kid. You're too stressed out. Go to bed, get some rest, and get your mind out of whatever gutter it's stuck in right now. You're stronger than that. I've seen ya, and I know it. I believe in ya kid, and I know that ya need to hear it more than anything. Get some sleep and come back feeling better tomorrow. Ya still look like shit, and with what's in yer brain, it's no wonder ya can't do yer training right now. Buck up, mister. You've done harder things just not hurtin' yerself for a night. This should be a cinch, right? Get some rest. That's an order, ya hear. I don't wanna hear that ya've disobeyed me, you got it?"

"Yeah, I understand. And, thanks. It really means a lot." I said. I guess it wasn't too big a leap. She figured it out, but she's not asking why. She's just leaving it alone and telling me to feel better. Why's she being so nice? Why's she saying just what I need to hear? A demon like me doesn't deserve this. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Shura."

I put my key in the nearest door, and turned it. I walked through and made my way back to the dorms. I still had another half hour or so before Bon would be back. I guess I can use the time to take a nap or something, like Shura said. I did have a pretty shitty sleep last night. A nap. Doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Maybe everything will make more sense when I wake up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_Izumo's head floated by._

"_You aren't the only one, you know. We're the same, right? You can trust me."_

"_No."_

_Bon's head appeared._

"_We're _friends_ you know. Talk to us, make us understand."_

"_I can't."_

_Then it was Shiemi._

"_We just want to help you, Rin. You're my friend. You're the first friend I've ever had!"_

"_No!"_

_Shura next._

"_Ya know, yer stronger than this. You can make it through just one night, can't ya?"_

"That's impossible! I can't do it!"

I sat up in bed, sheets tangled around me, and clothes folded in awkward positions on my body. At least it was only a dream. Even if it was a dream, it was still scary. But I can't help but wonder, who would have been next? Yukio? I don't want to hear him say that he doesn't understand me, that my behaviour doesn't make sense. It makes perfect sense. Take it all out on the one who deserves it. Me. I'm just taking responsibility for my myself. Nothing wrong with that.

But really, there is.

I know that what I do is considered wrong and unthinkable by many in society, but I don't really care. It's what I do, and it's how I get by. Speaking of which, I need to cut _really_ bad right now, and my razor is just over on the desk.

I stand up to grab it, when I'm interrupted by a voice.

"Good to see you're awake, Okumura." Bon said. I froze. "You're really going to screw up your sleep schedule if you keep taking afternoon naps like this. When did you get back, anyways? Your training is supposed to end at the same time as our lessons end. How did you get back here so fast?"

"Shura let me quit early." I replied quietly.

"Oh? You gettin' good at controlling your powers now?" Bon questioned.

"No, my head just wasn't in it today. I made some candles explode, and she told me to take the night to cool off." I explained. That's the gist of it. He doesn't need to know any more. Wait, why did I even bother explaining in the first place? I could have just shrugged it off and said that Shura has her whims, or that she was too drunk, or something. Excuses with Shura are too easy to come by. The real question is, why? What is wrong with me.

Everything.

"Explode?" Bon laughed. I cringed. I knew he'd mock me. "That's funny. I'd expect no less from you, Okumura. You're a funny guy, you know."

"Yeah, a lot of fun to pick on, I get it." I said to the floor.

"That's not what I meant." Bon said.

"Then how else am I supposed to take it?" I replied.

"I was trying to be friendly and make an enjoyable conversation. You do have to admit, from a third person point of view, it's kind of funny. And how does that even work? Exploding candles..." Bon trailed off into some train of thought.

"Even your massive head doesn't have a brain large enough to figure it out." I replied snappishly.

"Hah! That's good one." Bon laughed.

For some reason, I felt really good. Like I couldn't breathe and my chest was going to explode and it was going to be really painful. A balloon of pressure was building up under my sternum (yes I know what a sternum is) and it was going to expand until my ribs cracked and my lungs, heart, aorta (aorta too), and other important blood vessels burst out of me. I wanted to cry, because it hurt. But I liked it. The hurt actually felt good.

So does that mean I'm becoming a masochist? Maybe I already was one. I do like cutting after all. I don't really feel it at all when I do it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, right? My body must feel it. But if there's no pain, does it really count?

I don't know. But I kind of want to just grab that razor off of my desk and rip it through my body right now. Tear my arm to pieces.

"Hey, you okay?" Bon asked me. I guess I had been staring at one spot for too long, and ignoring him. "You may want to take a breath soon. Your face is turning red."

I was holding my breath? I breathed. I guess I was. "Thanks, I guess."

"What happened there?" He asked.

"Nothing. Just got caught up in some thought." Stop talking to him! Don't tell him things!

"Okay. Just making sure you aren't going totally crazy on me now." Bon said with amusement.

"Why do you keep bringing up stuff like that?" I asked, kind of annoyed.

"It's one of your characteristics, of course I'm not gonna let it go. Friends tease each other about their idiosyncrasies. Because we can. And it's all in jest, so just relax." Bon explained.

"And I'm supposed to know that, how?" I asked, getting more annoyed with him.

"Haven't you had friends before?" Bon asked.

"Fuck no! Why do you think it's hurt me so bad, what you guys did? How am I supposed to understand everything you guys take for granted when I don't have your kind of experience to rely on? Why do you assume so much about me? Why do you expect me to be such a good person? I'm not! I'm a horrible person, so just SHUT UP! WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH A DEMON LIKE ME?" My shouting grew louder as I ranted. I looked at the clock just before slamming the door as I left. 7:15pm. I guess I missed dinner, but I'm not really hungry anyways.

As I rounded the corner to the stairs that lead to the roof, I saw Shima walking up from a lower floor.

"Hey, Rin! How's it going?" He called up to me. I stopped at the top of his flight of stairs to answer him.

"I'm just fine." I said, a little grudgingly. How can he be so damned happy all the time. Even when he's scared almost literally shitless, he still has a smile tracing his lips. Like that time during the camping trip...

"You sure? I'm not totally convinced, but that's your business, not mine. Anyways, I'm just here to drop off a book for Bon. He left it behind today. Is he in right now?" Shima asked.

"Yeah, just down the hall." I turned to leave and go up the stairs.

"Hey, where are you going Okumura?" Shima called after me.

"These stairs only go to one place." I answered.

"No need to be so harsh. Mind if I join you?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"Great! Up the stairs we go." He totally just missed what I said, didn't he.

"I don't want you there." I made it perfectly clear that time, right?

"Okay. Let's go." Damn Shima...

"Why are you insisting on coming?" I asked.

"Because, when people are upset, being alone just makes it worse. You can't really deny that one, so don't try. Believe it or not, I think you're a pretty cool guy, I have the whole time. I just followed Bon because that's what I do. I've got nothing against you." Shima answered.

"When the hell did you start acting smart?" I asked, surprised at his words. Not what he said about himself, but what he said about being alone making it worse.

"Bon had to rub off on me a little." He answered.

"So Bon _did_ dye his hair first... That answers that question." I answered lightheartedly. "I guess you're a follower all the way down to your appearance."

Shima laughed. "Good one, Okumura."

Did I just just tease him? And is this one of those friendly banter things Bon was talking about? I don't get it. It's too confusing. I don't know what to think about this. I almost wish that it was back to the way things used to be. I know how to deal with harsh words, and I know how to deal with literal speech. How an I supposed to deal with this... weird... I don't even know what to call it!

When he had stopped laughing, Shima made another point. "You never really answered my first question. How _is_ everything going? Bon isn't being too much of a hard-ass for you?"

"We keep arguing. That's how it's going." I answered.

"Ah, so he _is_ being a hard-ass." Shima said, nodding with understanding.

"No, it's not quite like that. I don't really know how to explain it, other than that our views keep clashing." I replied.

"Oh. I guess I don't really get it then." Shima paused before continuing. "So, do you wanna go back to your room?"

"What? I just told you that we were fighting." I said.

"And it won't get solved if you just keep avoiding each other." He said.

"You don't get it, do you?" I asked, accusingly.

"No, I don't. Neither does Bon. That's why you keep having problems." He said.

"...What?" I asked. What the hell is Shima talking about?

"We don't get it because we've never been on your side. We can only view the situation from our point of view. I guess that means that we'll never really understand, so we just have to do whatever we think is right. Me, I just go with the flow. Make things easy, try to lighten the mood a little when it gets too heavy. Tell me, is it working?" He asked. I had to admit, it was working. "Bon, he's a hard-ass. The hard road or the high road, or whatever the saying is. He's too straightforward about this kind of thing. No subtleties, just straight business. Do this, that happens, no gray area. He gets upset when things don't go according to his plan."

"When the hell did you get so smart?" I asked again.

Shima laughed. "When you were sleeping in class." That comment made me smile a little. That weird feeling in my chest came back with it.

Then I smelled blood. I heard Yukio's footsteps coming down the hall just below.

"Thanks for the talk, Shima. Really, thanks." I said. "I've got something I've gotta take care of right now, so if you don't mind..."

"Anytime, my friend. And good luck with said mysterious task, Okumura." He said, and turned towards my room.

There was more blood on Yukio now than earlier. This time, it's not a day old. It's fresh. Fresh as in only a few minutes ago fresh. I need to see what's going on with my little brother.

* * *

Yukio finished teaching his class as quickly and painlessly as possible. That would be the last time that he ever goes in without something planned. Teaching from the top of his head was a lot harder than it had looked. He's just one of those people who needs a set plan.

He can't just adapt on the fly like Rin can.

Why could he never measure up to his older brother? No matter how long his spent chasing, Rin would always be miles ahead.

Yet, it was Rin who was the one in this emotional sea of trouble. Yukio still felt the strong need to understand. He didn't know why Rin did what he did, and he needed to learn. Sure it hurt last time, but maybe trying it again, maybe for a couple days in a row, would help him to understand what his brother was thinking when he did it.

He also didn't forget what Mephisto had said earlier.

"_Okumura, teacher Okumura, that was one interesting lesson you had put together there, wasn't it?" Mephisto asked with that irritating, knowing smile of his._

"_I apologize, Sir Pheles. I was unprepared. It will not happen again." Yukio had replied._

"_Oh yes, it had better not. Now, formalities out of the way, you were crying in class. Is there some big secret that even I, headmaster, am not aware of, or should not be aware of?"_

"_No secret, Sir."_

"_No secret? Then would you care to tell me why you smell like blood? You haven't had any missions recently, and I see no wound. Tell me, where is it coming from?"_

"_You can smell blood on me?" Yukio asked._

"_Yes, and your brother can too. He's already noticed, and by now, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's been smelling on you. You smell just like him, you know."_

"_What are you talking about, Mephisto?"_

"_I don't know, you tell me."_

That creepy jackass clown. There is no way he could have found out about Rin. Absolutely no way. Yukio decided that he had to try again, even if Rin did notice. It was all for Rin's sake, anyways.

Yukio went over to the bathroom, picked up his own razor, and tried drawing another line across his left forearm. It went a little deeper this time, and a few beads of blood actually formed on the top of his skin this time. It had clotted by the time Yukio had brought his arm to the sink to wash it off.

A little more successful that time, Yukio thought. But it still hurt like a _bitch_. He had no idea why anyone would willingly put themselves through that. Why would you do something that _hurts_?

Yukio cleaned his arm, cleaned his blade, then left the room. He decided that he'd go and check in on Suguro. Just because he couldn't see his brother, didn't mean that he couldn't see his brother's temporary roommate, and his own student. Right. He was going to see Suguro. Right.

He started padding down the hall, when he heard two voices. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but their voices sounded like they were saying farewells. Probably one of the Kyoto trio visiting Bon. I bet I'll pass him on his way out.

As Yukio turned to go up the stairs, he saw his brother, less than ten feet away, staring at him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

"Rin, hi, I uh, I didn't expect to see you here." Yukio said by way of introduction.

"I live in this dorm too, you know, of course we're going to bump into each other. Anyways, what do you think you're doing?" Rin replied. He sounded kind of angry.

Yukio was a little hurt by his brother's harshness. It sounded like Rin thought that he didn't care. "I was just going upstairs to see Suguro. You know, make sure that you're not too much for him, or anything." Yukio said. Even to himself, his excuse sounded weak.

"That isn't what I meant." Rin stated. Yukio was confused. What else could Rin have been talking about?

"Well, if you aren't upset by me intruding on your private space upstairs, then what are you so upset about?" Yukio asked. It couldn't be...

"You smell like blood Yukio. I wanna know why." Rin crossed his arms, communicating his stubbornness and willingness to pursue the subject, whatever Yukio might say to avoid it.

"You want me to tell you why I smell like blood. I'm an exorcist. I kill demons. Sometimes, I get a scratch. You know how it is. Not everyone has the healing ability that you do. My scratches last longer." Yukio replied. Reasonable enough excuse, he figured.

"You haven't been on any missions recently." Rin replied.

"And how would you know that? We've been living apart, remember?" Yukio stated.

"For only twenty-four hours. You wouldn't have gone on any missions last night, and there wouldn't have been time for you to go on one today, with brief time between the end of cram school and now. So tell me Yukio, why do you smell like blood, and why just today?" Rin asked again.

"I don't know. Maybe I nicked myself on something?" Yukio's excuses were getting weaker.

"Yeah, you probably did. On what, though?" Rin asked.

"How should I know? For all I know, it was small enough that I didn't notice!" Yukio replied. Very weak.

"You know, if you've been bleeding, you should probably put a band-aid on it, or something. Like you said, you don't heal like I do, so you don't want the 'little nick' to get infected or anything. You are an exorcist, coming into contact with some very nasty substances on a daily basis. You know, my nose is strong enough that I could probably figure out what area of your body it was on if I walked over there and concentrated, since you don't seem to know where it is. I could help you patch it up too. I think I'm competent enough to handle a band-aid." Rin stated. Yukio was really feeling the pressure of his brother's words.

"I'll do it myself, and it's none of your business, Rin." Yukio stated.

"None of my business? I'm your brother! We're family, and you should trust me. I care about you a lot, you know." Rin said sadly, turning his eyes to the wall.

"I could say the same thing to you, you know. I'm your brother. You can trust me." Yukio said. Rin flinched, and Yukio knew that he'd won.

"Well, in my case, it's not something that you could understand, and it's not something that's easy to talk about. The whole point is that I can't talk about it. It's not the same." Rin said.

"Oh, yes it is. This is my business, and you won't understand it either." Yukio said.

"Well try me!" Rin shouted, "Give it a shot! Maybe I won't get it right away, but so what? I can at least try to help if nothing else!"

"Once again, right back at you, Rin." Yukio said coldly. Rin looked like he was about to cry.

"Fine. I'm going back upstairs. Suguro's okay. Text him if you need anything more." Rin said, and walked back upstairs. As he reached the top, Shima, who was coming back downstairs, put a hand on his shoulder.

"Each of us can only see it from one side of the situation. We haven't seen the other side yet." Shima said, then continued walking. "You too, Mr. Okumura-teacher-sir!" Shima kept walking and waved behind him as a farewell.

Yukio sighed. He'd have to think about what Shima had said, especially since it seemed like he'd had some sort of conversation like that with his brother. That encounter certainly had not gone as well as he'd hoped their first encounter would. It was going to be a long time before this whole mess could be resolved. Until then, he'd just have to keep trying to understand.

* * *

I really had to try not to sprint back to my room. There's nothing I want more right now than to run in there, grab the razor off my desk, throw myself under the covers, and forget all of this. Why can't Yukio trust me? We're family, and we're the only family the we have left. I'm his older brother, so he should know that he can come to me about anything, and that I'll be there for him. I'll help him. If he feels like he needs to hurt himself to feel better, then he can just tell me about it. I'll help him to feel better some other way, if he can. I get the feeling, I won't judge him, I just want him to trust me enough to tell me what's going on. I don't want to see my little brother hurting like that when I'm right here to help him out.

I walked into the room, only to see a startled Bon. Right. I was mad at him earlier. That doesn't seem too important right now, though. Yukio's much more important than some stupid argument about... I don't remember. I guess it wasn't that important in the first place.

"You came back. Look, I'm sorry about what I-" Bon started.

"Not now. I don't have time to talk to you." I snapped.

Bon put his hands up. "Hey, chill out. I hadn't even said anything yet." he defended.

"You were about to say something about the fight earlier, and I don't want to think about that right now. I've got more important things to worry about than trying to remember what we were fighting about, then resolving it." I said.

"You mean you forgot?" Bon asked incredulously.

"Like I said, it's not important." I replied.

"I would disagree. I mean, it's something that we really should talk about..." I glared at him, "some other time. I get it. But we will talk about it at some point. Wanna share what important stuff is bugging you right now, instead?" Bon asked.

"No." I said.

"Well, it's gonna get awful boring in here then, There isn't much to do but talk or do homework. Or think, I guess, but I'm sure you know, having something bothering you, and then being left alone with your thoughts, well, it usually doesn't end well, does it." Bon stated.

"None of your business. And stop talking like Shima." I said.

"Of all people, _Shima_ beat me to it? Damn." Bon said, "When did he get so smart?"

"That's what I asked him." I replied.

"Well, while we're agreeing, care to tell me what's bugging you?" Bon asked.

"Are you not going to leave me alone?" I asked, growing frustrated with him.

"That's the point of us living in the same room, isn't it? To get you to talk it out?" Bon said. I heard the end of that sentence, even though he didn't say it. Instead of cutting out chunks of your flesh and hurting yourself to deal with whatever the fuck is going on inside your messed up brain. Maybe not all that, but at least, that was the general idea.

"Yukio." That's my answer.

"Yukio? Is something wrong with him?" Bon asked.

"Of _course_. If there was nothing wrong, I wouldn't be worried about him!" I answered.

"Hey, I'm not the one you're mad at. Just explain what's wrong." Bon said, sitting back in his chair.

"Yukio, I don't know what to say about it, it's just, he smells like blood and he hasn't been on missions and there's nowhere it could come from other than the obvious and I'm worried, goddamnit!" I ranted.

"The obvious? What's supposed to be obvious...?" Bon said to himself. I took it as a question anyways.

"I mean, why else would he smell like blood unless he caused it himself? I don't want him to do that! I want Yukio to be happy. He's my little brother, and he doesn't understand that he can just trust me and tell me if something's wrong." I answered.

"Do you think that he would consider telling you if it involves you in the first place?" Bon asked me.

"What?" I asked. What was he getting at?

"I mean, if this whole situation is putting stress on him, is he going to tell you? That would put more stress on you, and I think that that's something that Mr. Okumura wants to avoid. What caused this whole situation in the first place." Bon explained. Why does he have to make sense at a time like this?

"I guess..." I said.

"And didn't you do exactly the same thing? Not tell him what was going on because you wanted him to be happy? Honestly, I think both of you are idiots. You are both the same!" Bon said.

"Yukio's nothing like me. He's smart, he's nice, he's a really great guy! He's an incredibly skilled exorcist, the youngest ever, as well as head of the advanced class and an exorcist teacher. Yukio's a really amazing person. I'm just a pathetic demon." I said.

"Eh, if you think so. From my point of view, you guys are very much alike. Whatever the difference in appearance, you guys act like each other, you're definitely brothers." Bon commented. No way. He can't mean that. Yukio isn't anything like me. He's just about perfect and me, I'm not.

"Don't look like that. You're better than you think you are. Besides, didn't Shura tell you _not_ to stress yourself out, to get some rest, and to go back tomorrow refreshed and whatnot so that you can do your training? And that she doesn't want to hear otherwise?" Bon asked.

"Who told you that?" I asked.

"Shura. She texted me, not drunk this time. I figured it was important that I actually read it." Bon answered.

"Damn her. How did she know to text you?" I asked.

"How should I know?" he replied.

"I dunno. I'm sorry. She's right, though. I know that, but it's not as easy as she says, you know?" I asked.

"No, I don't. I can't pretend to, either. This is your shit, you need to deal with it, but I'm here to rant to if you need it." Bon said.

That kind of hurt. He'll never understand, but at least he's being honest, I guess. And he's right. I wouldn't really want him to take up this habit either.

What did I just think? When did I start caring? When did it start to matter to me whether or not he does anything to himself or not? This just didn't make any sense.

"I think I'm going to go prepare the lunches for tomorrow. Anything you want in yours?" I asked. I need to get away right now. I need to think this out.

"Nah, I'm not picky. Just do whatever you normally do for you and Yukio. Anything's good with me. And thanks. Lunch was great today too, by the way." he said.

"Thanks. I'll whip something up." I said. I left and made my way to the kitchen. Hopefully, after making the food, I'll be tired enough, and unfocused enough, to get a decent night's sleep. I bet that would do wonders.

* * *

Yukio walked back to his room. Why did all of his excuses have to sound so pathetic? How was Rin able to do it all this time? Able to act so cheerful, so free, so... like Rin? How was he able to hide it so well for however long this has been going on? How was he able to come up with so many reasonable sounding excuses? How was he able to do it so that no one ever caught on?

Yukio couldn't understand. It was just too much.

One more try, he told himself. One more try to understand him. One more time, and maybe it will make sense. I need to figure out why he's doing this. I need to understand my brother so that I can help him.

Yukio picked up the razor and held it close to his arm. His hand was shaking and he couldn't bring himself to put the pressure on.

Why is that? Why couldn't he just press and slide? It sounded so easy, so why couldn't he perform the simple action? Maybe because he knows that it's ineffective?

Maybe if he took the blade out, it would be easier to press into his skin.

Yukio disassembled his razor, and decided to try out his new idea. He chuckled darkly. He was beginning to think like a cutter. New ways to use old tools.

Yukio held his left arm over the sink, his forearm facing towards him. He pinched the tiny blade between his right thumb and pointer. He took a good long stare at the clean, pale skin of his arm, shut his emotions out, and made a nice slash across the pale sheet of skin.

This time, it was actually bleeding. Not a lot, it wasn't deep, but enough that small trickles made their way from the gash around to the bottom of his arm. Yukio chuckled again.

It didn't really hurt, not that much.

This was the worst so far, and it didn't really hurt.

Maybe he could understand why Rin did this after all. Maybe he had a chance.

That thought made him very happy.

So he laughed.

And laughed.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

By the end of the week, not much had changed, at least, not in Yukio's opinion. Rin was still quietly avoiding him. He couldn't get too close to his brother without receiving a questioning glance before his brother turned around and walked away. He figured that Rin must still be able to smell the blood on him, and that there was more now than when they met on the stairs. Normally, Yukio would be anxious that his brother had noticed that something was wrong. This time, he couldn't really bring himself to care. This was all for his brother, after all.

One thing that Yukio was thankful for is that the exorcist uniforms have long sleeves. If it weren't for that, his attempts to understand his brother would be clearly visible. He knew that anyone who noticed them would take it the wrong way, play it off as some sort of teenage phase, and try to talk him out of it. Those people would be wrong, and Yukio didn't want the extra trouble of dealing with them when this problem only concerned him and his brother. It was no one else's business if he was trying to understand what his brother felt and what he was doing. It would be quite rude for anyone else to try to interfere. There was nothing wrong with this at all.

It was scientific exploration coupled with psychology. Those two academic subjects were also offered at the school. Just because he isn't following the curriculum, or learning the recommended material, didn't mean that he wasn't learning anything in those two subjects. There was nothing wrong with studying extra material, or learning what one wanted to learn.

That's right. This is all academic research. Research that he could use to help his brother.

These thoughts are what kept Yukio going at it every night for over a week. Today is Friday, and that means that he's about to spend another weekend alone in his dorm room. While he likes his quiet and solitude for studying, he can't help but miss Rin's company. His brother always knew how to make him smile when he was too stressed about homework, exorcism, or whatever it happened to be. Rin sure was amazing in that regard. He didn't even have to know what was going on, and he could still lighten the mood. Even if people tend to think of Yukio as the older brother, Rin takes care of him more than he take care of Rin. This incident just goes to prove it.

So why did Rin do it in the first place? That's the big question. That's the question that Yukio is still trying to solve more than a week later. Despite being able to cause himself harm, it still hurts. He doesn't like it. He can't figure out a reason why.

He didn't notice that the more time he spent thinking about it, the more stressed he was, the deeper each of his cuts became, and the more he bled.

He just had to keep trying. Even geniuses don't get the results that they need on the first attempt at an experiment, especially one with this many variables. With each attempt, something must change, and with each change, it becomes a slightly different experiment. Each attempt to understand his brother is another ruling for reasons, or feelings, to or not to do this. That's all it meant.

But the one time that it barely hurt, what did that mean? Yukio was angry with himself for not being in the right state of mind to pay attention that time. It just meant that he'd have to keep trying.

Every night, again and again.

* * *

Bon is such a hard-ass! I mean, who does their homework on Friday night? Yeah, I get that he wants to have some extra time on the weekend or whatever, but come on! Homework is meant to be done last-minute on Sunday night, not on Friday. I'm no keener, I don't even give a damn about high school. But no, that's not acceptable, apparently. Just because Bon's a giant nerd, doesn't mean that he has to make me one too. I get that he likes his routine, but why pick on me? Just because we live together, doesn't mean that we have to do our homework at the same time. Geez, I really don't get him.

But my grades have improved. Slightly. Eh, not all that much. Just because my homework gets finished, doesn't mean that I'll actually get the answers right. I don't care about high school, I just wanna learn to torch demons so that I can kick Satan's ass. I'll kick the shit outta Satan, and that'll show Bon. You don't need to study that hard, or do your homework on a Friday night.

I put my head down on my desk, using the open textbook as a headrest. I sighed and closed my eyes. They were hardly closed for more than twenty seconds before a hand slapped itself down beside my head. It scared the crap out of me, fuck!

"Do your homework!" Bon said.

"I'm saving it for later!" I stuck out my tongue like a child, trying to get my grin to win him over.

And this is why he's a hard-ass. "I don't care if you wanna do it now or later, I'm telling you to get it done now!" The stupid faces that I make don't appeal to him at all. I've been living with him for like, nine days or something, and we have this same argument every night. Why doesn't he get it yet? I don't care, and I hate studying. At least he doesn't really try to bug me about anything else. Maybe he wants to, but he hasn't tried to make me talk yet.

"Yeah, well I've got other homework too. I'll do that now and come back later." I said as I got up. I stretched my arms, grabbed kurikara, and started to head out.

"What other homework?" Bon asked.

"Why, training of course." I grinned stupidly, then ran out. Haha, I pissed him off.

"Get back here Okumura, you need to get this done!" He called after me.

"Tough shit!" I called back, "Let's go Kuro!" Kuro ran after me.

_I get to play with Rin today! We haven't played in a long time! I'm really excited!_

"Yeah, let's play Kuro." I said.

We went up to the roof, and Kuro transformed into his larger demon form. I pulled out my sword, and we sparred a little bit. Kuro looked like he was having the time of his life, and to me, the exercise just felt good. When was the last time I sparred with Kuro, anyways? Was it... oh yeah, it was about three weeks ago, I think.

My mood started to fall. I trained with his quite often just after the camping trip, and back then, I just kept feeling worse every time we sent a blow towards the other, and I'd go back inside after it all and cut because training wasn't distracting enough. After two weeks of trying to lost myself in training, I stopped training with Kuro at all. No wonder he says he missed it, he always loved sparring with me.

I didn't notice my strikes becoming weaker or slower until my thoughts were interrupted by one of my favourite voices in the world.

_Rin, why are you slowing down? Do you not like playing with me?_

No, I don't want Kuro to think that this is his fault, he's a great cat. "No, I love it, Kuro. It's really fun. I've missed playing with you too, you know." I smiled.

_Then why do you seem to get sadder the longer we play?_

"I'm not getting sadder, see?" I said, widening my grin as we continued to exchange blows.

_I can hear your feelings every time we strike. That is your exposed heart, you know. Don't lie to me Rin! I don't want you to be a liar!_

Exposed heart? I wonder what he means by that? My heart's in my chest. "I'm not lying Kuro, I really did miss playing with you. Promise." I said.

_If you like playing, the why are you sad? Did I accidentally hurt you? Is that why you always smell like blood after we play?_

I forgot, Kuro has demon senses too. Of course he noticed. Since it kept happening after we trained, he thought that it was his fault that I was getting hurt. I'm a horrible person. I need to hurt myself.

"No, it's not your fault Kuro." I owe him some sort of explanation, "It is no way at all your fault. You never hurt me, and I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't lie to you when we met, and I'm not going to start now." I put my sword away, and walked over to Kuro. I put my hand in between his eyes before speaking again, "It's all my fault, you didn't do anything wrong."

_I don't understand Rin. If I didn't hurt you, then why do you smell like blood? What's wrong Rin? Why are you feeling so sad all of a sudden? What's wrong?_

Fuck, I'm worrying Kuro too. Damn. Why am I such a fuckup? I sat down before I started talking. "It's kind of hard for me to explain, Kuro. It's not something easy to talk about, even if I had a reason that might make sense to you." I said.

_What are you talking about Rin? Why are you so sad?_

Kuro went back to his small cat form, and crawled on to my lap. He started nuzzling my chest, trying to comfort me, I think. I petted him in return, and he began to purr. "It's just, I don't know, whenever things bother me too much, I try to find a way to take my mind off of it. I don't like to talk about it, because I honestly don't know how to explain it properly to anyone else.

"I do my best to distract myself from whatever it is that bothers me, but that doesn't always work. When it doesn't work, I need to use another way to make myself try to feel better. Whenever I start to hate myself, when I feel like a demon, lonely, scared, anything that makes me feel bad, I kind of... I need... I just..." I started choking on my words.

_Rin? Are you okay?_

"No, Kuro, I'm not okay. When everything inside me hurts too much, I feel like I need to hurt myself, cause my body some sort of harm. I'll use whatever I have, whatever I can find, and I'll-I'll-I'll make myself start to... I-I bleed." I know that the explanation is insufficient as far as my reasons go, and as far as explaining how I feel, but I can't tell him more than I know that he'll understand.

_But Rin, why would you hurt yourself? It's bad for you! Why do you want your body to hurt like that?_

"Honestly, I don't really know. I don't know if I have a good reason for why I chose this way to do it, but, it's just what I do. It's just something that I decided to do one day, and I never quit. It's not your fault Kuro. Don't feel sad about me." I said.

_But Rin, of course I'm going to feel sad. You're my master. I love you just like I love Shiro!_

That little cat really knows how to hit me where it hurts. "You don't hate me?" I asked.

_No! I would never hate you! You talk to me and you play with me and you make really good sukiyaki! Just like Shiro would play with me and made really yummy catnip wine! There's no way I can hate you! You saved me from the other exorcists back when we met! You're my friend, Rin._

"Thanks Kuro, that means a lot. Say, why don't you and I go make dinner now, huh? I can make your favourite tonight. I think Yukio bought the ingredients, and it's a Friday night. Why not celebrate, eh?" I asked, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

_You mean you're going to make sukiyaki? Really? Yay!_

Kuro jumped up and started doing some sort of cheer dance or something. He looked really happy. "Yeah, let's go make some food." I said.

We headed back downstairs and went straight to the kitchen. Too bad I had forgotten about a certain someone who has gotten far too used to my habits.

"Okumura! You need to get your work done!" Bon said to me as I entered the kitchen. He'd brought his work and staked out in there, knowing that I'd eventually come to make food.

"Sorry, I promised my favourite little buddy I'd cook his favourite food tonight. I'll have to do it later." I stuck my tongue out at him again.

Bon glanced up at me and looked like he was about to give me a talking to, but then he paused and seemed to change his mind. "Hey, what's up? You look so much more... relaxed? I guess that's the word I want. What happened when you were 'training' with Kuro?" he asked.

"Hey, it's real training! I'm practicing my sword technique and stuff! And Kuro and I, we just had a little talk is all. It's all good, right Kuro?" I asked.

_Right Rin! Now make the sukiyaki! You promised!_

I chuckled. "Yeah, right on it little buddy." I said. Bon continued to look at us, missing half of the demon-demon telepathy conversation, before going back to his homework.

"Just make sure you get your homework done before bed tonight." Bon grumbled.

"Hard-ass."

"Lazy."

"Didn't your parents ever tell you that it's a bad idea to insult the chef?"

"No, now hurry up so you can do your work!"

"I'll make sure I spit in yours, stupid rooster."

"You shouldn't taunt me, I'll just have to get you back afterwards."

"You couldn't do anything to me if you tried."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. As sure as I am going to kick Satan's ass first."

"You just keep dreaming, Okumura. Beat me in a test someday, and maybe I'll believe you."

"You're just saying that to make me do my homework! No way, not happening."

"Stubborn monkey."

"Hard-ass."

_Sukiyaki!_


End file.
